Late laughs
Conan
A NASA scientist has warned that Earth is unprepared for a surprise asteroid hit and said, “There’s not a hell of a lot we can do about it.” So, ladies and gentlemen, happy holidays!
A friend of Donald Trump’s said that Trump dangled the office of Secretary of State to Mitt Romney “to torture him.” You can watch the whole thing in the new series, “White Billionaire Pranks.”
A flight attendant has pled guilty to smuggling 60 pounds of cocaine in her carry-on bag. People got suspicious when her safety lecture went on for four hours.
The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon
It was announced that Showtime has canceled its series “Masters of Sex.” Men said it went on long enough, while women said it ended WAY too soon.
The new Uber update tracks where you go for five minutes after your car drops you off. Some users say it’s creepy — then they went back to getting into a car with a stranger and telling them exactly where they live.
As president, Donald Trump will have access to an emergency alert system, which will allow him to send a text to every American at once. But it’s only for emergencies like natural disasters, security issues or if “Saturday Night Live” does another sketch about him.
A private company called “Moon Express” says it wants to start offering trips to the moon for under $10,000 a ticket. Most people are like, “Yeah, I’m not sure I wanna book the cheapest option for my TRIP TO OUTER SPACE.”
Veterinarians are warning people to be careful with alcohol they spill on the floor, because there’s been an increase in drunk pets. And you’ll know your dog is drunk when he starts confronting the vacuum cleaner: “Come at me, bro!”
Jimmy Kimmel Live
President-elect Donald Trump picked Ben Carson to run the Department of Housing and Urban Development. Which is going to be quite a surprise when he finally wakes up!
Ben Carson is a former neurosurgeon with no experience in housing or urban development. This is the first time the phrase, “Well, it’s not brain surgery,” is actually a bad thing.
Why would [Carson] get this job? He’s a medical doctor. I feel like Donald Trump heard the word “urban” and just nominated the first black friend he has.
Late Night With Seth Meyers
A recent poll found that 58 percent of Americans believe Donald Trump will try to work with Democrats. Oh, Russia has Democrats?
A company has developed a new bedspread that can make itself every morning. How it works is, you live with your mom.
Weekend Update With Colin Jost and Michael Che
At a press conference on Friday, President Obama again claimed Russia hacked our election. He also accused Donald Trump of knowing that it was happening while doing nothing about it. But I mean, can you really blame him? Who snitches when somebody cheats for them? That’s just ungrateful. You don’t expect Tom Brady to tell the ref, “Hey, let me try that touchdown again, the ball was deflated.” I guess Donald Trump was just acting like a Patriot.