Late laughs

Conan

Saturday marks the end of President Trump’s first 100 days. Political analysts say that we are still in President Trump’s “honeymoon” phase. Which may account for that feeling that we’re being repeatedly screwed.

Today, President Trump held separate phone conversations with the president of China and the prime minister of Japan. Trump was shocked to learn that those are two different people.

This Thursday, President Trump will be having dinner with the members of the Supreme Court. However, Mike Pence cannot attend because his wife won’t let him dine with that temptress Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon

This weekend was the big March for Science, and there were a lot of animal rights activists protesting Trump’s policies on endangered species. Trump was like: “I love endangered species! That’s why I refuse to drink the new Unicorn Frappuccino at Starbucks!”

Actually, environmental activists say that Trump’s border wall would disrupt the migration of hundreds of species. Animals were like: “No problem, we’ll just tunnel under it like everyone else.”

Bill Nye the Science Guy spoke at the march in D.C. and said that the Founding Fathers promoted science in Article 1 of the Constitution. Trump was like: “Eh, I don’t read it for the articles.”

The Late Show With Stephen Colbert

Nothing matters to Donald Trump more than ratings. When Trump was asked if he planned to fire embattled press secretary Sean Spicer, he said: “I’m not firing Sean Spicer, that guy gets great ratings. Everyone tunes in.” It’s true. You can’t tear your eyes away from Sean Spicer. It’s like watching a car crash that knows nothing about the Holocaust.

Ivanka spoke on a panel titled “Inspiring Women: Scaling Up Women’s Entrepreneurship.” And the Trump family has a long history of inspiring women — to march, to sue, to flee from a dressing room.

When Ivanka was talking about her father and how he was a champion of family leave, she was met with groans and hisses from the audience. Well, that’s not fair. Trump obviously supports family leave. That’s why he’s always leaving one and starting another.

The Late Late Show With James Corden

On Sunday, Trump blamed Democrats for not wanting to fund the border wall, which he claims Mexico will be paying for “in some form” and “at a later date.” In some form — what form? Like they can just buy us a round of beers?

A major food company has recalled two types of frozen hash browns because the potatoes may contain pieces of golf balls. Doctors say if you’ve already ingested pieces of golf balls, the best thing is to just let them play through.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

In a new interview, President Trump said he is “mostly there” on fulfilling the promises of his first 100 days. Said Trump: “Look, at this point, I’ve already accomplished 95 days.”

This week is National Volunteer Week. Said President Trump: “So ... anybody wanna be president?”

A restaurant opened in London today specializing in airlinestyle food. And if you like your steak a little bloody, order it “United.”