Late laughs
Conan
After Air Force One landed in Israel, Donald Trump reached for Melania’s hand, and she slapped it away. So we’ve been wrong all this time — they apparently do have a normal marriage!
In both Israel and Saudi Arabia, many U.S. journalists are being barred from Trump press events because they’re women. As opposed to here in the U.S., where they’re barred from Trump press events because they’re journalists.
A company has released a GPS with President Trump’s voice as a navigator. It doesn’t guide you anywhere, it just keeps reminding you that it won the electoral college.
The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon
President Trump is still on his big overseas trip. Today, he arrived in Israel and landed in Tel Aviv. Then when they welcomed him to Tel Aviv, Trump said: “Who’s Aviv, and what am I supposed to tell him?”
I saw that today, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu gave Trump a 150-year-old Bible. Which got awkward when Trump autographed it and gave it back to him.
Trump became the first sitting U.S. president to visit the Western Wall in Jerusalem. His staff said he was praying, but people nearby heard him counting Mississippi.
I saw that the president of Egypt told Trump he has a unique personality. And Trump told him that he had nice shoes. Sounds less like two world leaders, more like a bad Tinder date.
The Late Late Show With James Corden
[Trump is] on his first international trip visiting several countries in the Middle East. His first stop was Saudi Arabia. Trump is visiting the Muslim nations as part of his “don’t come to us, we’ll come to you” tour.
Donald Trump is out of the country, but his scandals aren’t. On Monday, it was revealed that Trump asked two intelligence chiefs to deny that his campaign had any ties to Russia. This is shocking. I’m not saying Trump is participating in a cover-up, but I’d say he is participating in some kind of weird comb-over.
Jimmy Kimmel Live
White House press office put out this press release today. It says the president is overseas to “promote the possibility of lasting peach.” I guess that was supposed to be “peace,” but who knows? I mean, the president’s got a lot of fruit on his plate: He’s trying to make peach in the Middle East, he’s still got sour grapes about the election, and every morning he goes bananas on Twitter. … Or maybe they’ve heard the word “impeach” so much, it just slipped into the press release.
The president today released his budget for the upcoming year, and it’s exactly what you might guess it would be. It shamelessly cuts programs for the poor and elderly to give tax breaks to the rich. It’s like “Robin Hood,” if Prince John was the good guy.
Late Night With Seth Meyers
President Trump visited the Jewish holy site the Western Wall in East Jerusalem today. He also said the wall was the reason Israel doesn’t have any Mexicans.
President Trump said today he never mentioned the word “Israel” as the source of intelligence about ISIS during a meeting with Russian officials. Dude, nobody said you did. That’s like if your wife said, “Are you having an affair?” and you said, “I am not sleeping with Jenna!”