Late laughs
Conan
Over the weekend in New Jersey, President Trump crashed a wedding. Apparently, the bride said she wanted something old, something new, something borrowed, and something that will probably be out of office by August.
First lady Melania Trump has officially, as of today, moved into the White House. In a related story, Donald Trump just moved from the Lincoln Bedroom to the Lincoln Couch.
A new study reveals more than two billion people worldwide are overweight or obese. And at any given time, most of them are at Disneyland the same day as you.
A new report just came out and it found that the employees at a Trump clothing factory in Indonesia are subject to low wages and verbal abuse. And even they wouldn’t change places with Sean Spicer.
The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon
Melania Trump finally moved into the White House. But this is a bad sign — she only brought a week’s worth of clothes.
Yesterday, Rafael Nadal won the French Open and became the first man to win 10 titles at any major tournament. When asked what his secret is, he said: “Not having to play Serena Williams.”
Last night was the Tonys, you guys — but the new musical “Groundhog Day” went home empty-handed. The producers say they’re disappointed, but will try again yesterday.
I read about a couple in Vermont that is selling their house, and part of it extends over the border into Canada. It’s really cool — it has three bedrooms, two baths and free health care.
Today, author Stephen King revealed that Trump has blocked him on Twitter. That’s right, the world’s scariest writer blocked Stephen King.
Jimmy Kimmel Live
Yesterday was moving day at the White House. Almost five months after Donald Trump moved in, Melania and Barron have arrived. Just what the White House needs — two more terrified white people.
The [Golden State] Warriors went 16-1 in the post-season. And it just goes to show you that, if you work hard and believe in yourself, and have every great player other than LeBron James on your team, you can accomplish anything.
Donald Jennifer Trump turned 71 today. They had a little party for the president. They played Pin the Blame on the Press Secretary.
It’s hard to believe that on this date, 71 years ago, Donald Trump was just a little baby with little hands and little feet, going “wah wah wah” all day long. And nothing has changed really, since.
Late Night With Seth Meyers
According to a new poll, Americans find former FBI director James Comey to be more trustworthy than President Trump. Also, more Americans prefer Pepsi to the bottle marked “Rat Poison.”
Happy birthday to President Trump, who turned 71 today. So the president is a man in his 70s who wants a golf score in the 60s, his country in the ‘50s and a wife in her 20s.
According to reports, since President Trump won the Republican nomination, the majority of Trump real estate sales have been to “secretive buyers” who use corporate entities to avoid revealing their names. But I’m pretty sure we all know who’s behind Plad Vutin LLC.