Moving forward after the loss of a loved one

My first experience working with a bereaved family happened in 1981.

This family lost a daughter who died in her 40s. I spent many hours before and after this dear woman’s death helping the family through some incredibly difficult days. I felt totally inadequate to the task.

Since then I’ve worked with hundreds of patients and families who lost loved ones. I’ve learned a couple of things along the way, even though I still don’t feel adequate (I doubt anyone ever does).

First, I learned that some phrases people use to describe the process of grief aren’t accurate or appropriate. One of these is the phrase “get over” the

death of a loved one (like when someone tells me “I just can’t get over her dying”). This term assumes that the person who is “getting over” the loss can somehow get back mentally and emotionally to the way things used to be, like “getting over” the flu.

Bereavement is not like that. It’s more like — forgive the unpleasant imagery — an amputation. The place where the amputation occurred will eventually heal (another term often used for bereavement), but the limb is forever gone. Life goes forward with that reality.

Second, losing a loved one is like being forced to live in a new world you don’t want to live in. The process of bereavement is all-encompassing — everything in your world has changed. When you lose a loved one you are continually being faced with new awareness of what you have lost — “the person I used to eat with at this restaurant,” “the person I sat with in church,” “the person I last saw that movie with,” and so on. These moments of awareness often happen when you’re least prepared to deal with it.

Third, bereavement and depression are two different conditions, but one can lead to the other. When a person loses a loved one, he or she is usually able to resume some limited form of normalcy within a few months. Programs like Levi Transitions can help those who have been unable to do this. If you are having difficulty moving forward after the loss of a loved one, give us a call at 622-3580. Perhaps we can help.