Dealing with holidays and lost loved ones

For my first 17 Christmases, my parents’ traditions were my traditions. I couldn’t imagine Christmas being any other way. I remember frigid evenings at the Christmas tree lot (I was raised up north) and watching “A Charlie Brown Christmas” back when Coke and Dolly Madison sponsored it. Our family didn’t decorate until the week before Christmas and all the decorations magically disappeared the first day we went back to school in January.

When my wife and I married in the mid-’70s, we began many of our own traditions. Some of those have fallen by the wayside, but others have endured. In our early years, we always went home for the holidays. Since we’re the grandparents now ours is the home the family goes home to.

Holiday traditions help us feel connected. They provide something stable to hold on to in a constantly changing world.

Sadly, not everyone feels connected during the holidays. For those who have lost loved ones, holiday traditions can be a reminder of how unpleasantly different life has become. They feel left out in the cold while the rest of the world warms themselves in the glow of the holidays.

If you have a friend or family member who has experienced loss, I have a few suggestions.

First and foremost, listen to them non-judgmentally. Sometimes people who have lost their spouses or other close loved ones say things during the holidays that might make you feel uncomfortable (such as “I just want to skip Christmas this year”). It’s important to be supportive at times like this, but it is not helpful to make them feel guilty for being honest with you.

Second, don’t expect everyone’s grief process to be the same. Even if you have experienced sim-

ilar losses don’t assume that you know how they feel. I’ve had bereaved individuals tell me that a friend or family member made them feel guilty because they weren’t “getting over” their loss soon enough. Ultimately, grief is a very personal and lonely journey. For some people that journey is longer and more painful.

Third, understand that there is a difference between bereavement and depression. For many, the process of grief progresses naturally and, while they never stop missing their loved one, they are able to see the possibilities of the future and embrace that hope. For others, however, grief seems never to loosen its grip. When that happens, it is time to seek professional help. If that is the case, give us a call at 501-622-3580. We can provide that help or guide you to an agency who can.