Old flame always on man’s mind while marriage loses intimacy

DEAR ABBY: I am in a 14-year marriage, but there has always been another woman, “Emily,” I have thought about almost daily the whole time. My wife and I have just turned 40. We have no kids, but we have a dog. I always thought I would want kids, and we tried half-heartedly, but there is no real intimacy to this day. I kiss her goodbye in the morning and, for years, that’s been it. Emily is all in on a relationship with me still to this day. We had a great relationship with great sex, and I miss all of that. I’m struggling about the right thing to do, partly because I know the pain this will cause.

My wife and I still have good times together with friends, but when we’re home, it’s like we’re just best friends with no benefits. One of the last times we had sex, she ended it abruptly. The flame I felt for her is gone. I feel like I should go the other direction because she wants kids and still loves me deeply after all these years. Please advise. — WRESTLING WITH IT IN WISCONSIN

DEAR WRESTLING: Clearly you have never stopped talking to Emily. Quit “wrestling” and talk with your WIFE. She may have ended your last sexual encounter because it was physically painful or because she no longer feels emotionally connected to you.

The person who can help you determine what to do next is the woman to whom you are married. Whether this marriage is salvageable is debatable, but this I do know: A healthy marriage takes TWO committed individuals, and in this case, one of them (you) has been missing in action.