Artificial apologies
One of my chores, when I was a kid, was to mop the kitchen floor. It never failed; someone would always need to walk through the kitchen just as I finished the job. They desperately needed a drink of water or had an overwhelming urge for a banana or some other equally benign excuse.
Of course, they would always walk on their tiptoes and leap around as if the floor was made of molten lava. Simultaneously expressing how sorry they were for walking on my newly cleaned floor. Could they have waited? Yes.
Was that bag of Cheetos crucial to their survival? No. Still, they felt the uncontrollable need to do the pantry pirouette.
This was my first exposure to an artificial apology. You know it when you hear it. The person is not truly sorry for what they did but in order to keep conflict down and make themselves feel better they offer up the obligatory “sorry.” These folks mean well and are not doing what they do to intentionally hurt someone but it does happen. We have all experienced it.
Another example of the artificial apology occurs quite often in movie theaters. Remember when we could all go to the movies? I hope that will happen again soon. However, I digress. You are sitting in your movie theater seat just as comfy as can be when the person four seats down the aisle has to get up to go grab some popcorn from the concession stand. Why they did not get it on the way in is a mystery. Still, they scoot by everyone in the row offering up variations of the word sorry to each individual. Then, of course, there is the return trip to their seat after they have their concession stand cargo. It is a repeat of stepping on toes and uttering apologetic prose. However, the sorry serenade does not stop there. Without fail at the most exciting point in the movie this person will have the urgent need for some Milk Duds or Junior Mints and will once again track in front of you on their way to and from another cache of candy. All the while uttering a mock mea culpa.
A final example of the art of the artificial apology occurs almost anytime you are having a face-to-face conversation with anyone below the age of 40 and their phone dings. They will immediately reach for their device and offer up a quick “sorry” while reading whatever text, email, or social media post that takes precedence over your conversation. Sometimes it is not enough for them to simply read the message they then need to reply immediately as if life and limb depends on it. They will frantically type out their reply while saying something along the lines of “I’m sorry I really need to answer this message.” After they finish typing they let out a large sigh and say “Now what were you saying.” Just as you are, about to start the conversation again, they get a response to their response, and of course, they must respond right away. This back and forth can go on for several minutes and by the time it is over you have forgotten what you wanted to talk to them about in the first place.
We are all guilty at some point or another of being an apathetic apologist. Life seems to lead us in that direction from time to time. Putting others first is difficult and requires conscious effort. Maybe next time we buy our Whoppers before we go to our seat. That way we do not have to tell a whopper to everyone on the aisle as we squeeze by them. Just a thought.