Kombucha Porter

My wife and I switch off on grocery shopping duties. I do not mind doing the grocery shopping. I think the grocery store is one of the only places you can touch an alternate dimension.

As we walk among the shelves and look at different items, it is very easy for us to imagine how the purchase and use of these items could change us. In another space and time, we could be completely different people who actually use these goods.

For instance, when I look at all of the different kinds of kale salads it is easy for me to envision what I would be like if I just ate a lot more kale. I would probably be a 6-foot-4inch giant of a man who could run up North Mountain without ever breathing hard. I would have the eyes of an eagle and the speed of a cheetah. The version of me that eats a lot of kale is a sight to see.

When I grab that bottle of kombucha off the shelf, I can picture myself with long flowing locks of hair streaming down my back. I would dress very bohemian with sandals and tie-dye being the mainstays of my wardrobe. I would be very Zen and practice yoga daily. My stress levels would be much lower and I would be very in touch with astrology. The kombucha drinking Porter is much easier to be around and way nicer.

However, the mirror universe image of ourselves is not always a positive one. For example, when I pick up a bag of chocolate-covered pretzels, I visualize more of a Mr. Hyde character. You see, I cannot eat just one pretzel and stop. If I crack the bag open I ingest the whole thing. Therefore, the alternate universe, chocolate pretzel-eating me is kind of gross. He weighs around 300 pounds and has a very ruddy complexion. He is short-tempered and has crumbs in his beard. He enjoys shows about autopsies and hurricanes. Pretzel Porter is a jerk.

Everyone’s other self is different. Twinkies may bring out the star athlete in some while broccoli turns others into Darth Vader. The next time you find yourself in the grocery store think about the alternative dimension you. It is fun and makes the mundane trip to buy food tolerable.

If you embrace some of these new foods who knows where it will lead. You may find yourself in Oz with a scarecrow as your new best friend. Be careful of that witch, though. I hear she loves chocolate-covered pretzels.