A new GOP member’s perspective

After two terms as a delegate to the California Democratic Party, two years spent as Democratic vice chairman for the 38th Assembly District, and five years of working on Democratic political campaigns, I’ve decided to make a change. It’s time to join the GOP. Why make such a monumental shift, you might ask? Because I’ve suddenly realized the wisdom of the conservative vision.

For instance, they argue that college students contribute nothing to society – other than annoying protests, term papers on frivolous subjects like “A review of Chicana lesbian literature during the reign of King Henry VIII” and pointless slang like “woke bae,” “shook” and “lit.”

As a UCLA senior, all I can say is — that’s absolutely the truth. I am an utter waste of space as an individual and really serve no function other than to take oxygen, food and shelter that could be better used by the rich. And I am so grateful that Republicans have the courage to state this fact.

Take away my financial aid; I don’t deserve it. Spend the money instead on making the sexual harassment settlements of the 1 percent tax-deductible, or on subsidized therapy for Wall Street financiers when they get depressed after crashing the economy again. Those are real conservative policies.

Of course, without financial assistance I’ll have to drop out of college, but I’ll survive. All I have to do is pick myself up by my trusty bootstraps. That means working some minimum wage job 40 hours a week, taking one class at a time, and eventually graduating when I’m 35.

Sure, by then I’ll be fatter due to depression over my circumstances, and so broken inside that my idea of a night out will be going to Vons to look at shampoo bottles.

But when I finally do get that diploma, I’ll know I did it on my own and didn’t ask for help from nobody. I wasn’t one of those gross “leeches” who believe in an equitable social contract, in which the old provide for the young in to facilitate their coming of age. No, not me!

Second, consider the GOP position on climate change — it’s fake news. We don’t have to worry about it, even though 99 percent of the world’s scientists consider it an existential threat to the human race.

Now this is a position I can get behind. The dopey Democrats fight so hard for policies that transition the U.S off fossil fuels and to green energy. They say it’s necessary for humanity to survive and will create millions of good jobs in the process.

But really, here’s an important question — does humanity deserve to survive? I mean, think about all the terrible things we’ve done: the holocaust, slavery, the Bee Gees. Isn’t it time we start over, go extinct, let evolution take its place, then in eight billion years another species can begin again? So I’m with the GOP here, too. Third, those Republicans are just so damn tough, and that’s what we need in this country. Consider the policy proposed by former Rep. Jack Kingston, R-Georgia. He wants to crack down on the federal school nutrition program and require hungry 8-year-olds to sweep the floors before getting their meals. Because in life, there’s no free lunch.

That thinking, like wow, I can’t even wrap my mind around it – it’s so genius. Here’s hoping the Republicans crack down on other government programs. Like maybe before seniors get their medicine, paid for by Medicare, they should do 10 jumping jacks and sing a couple of Beatles songs?

I just don’t know why I stayed so long with the Democrats. I suppose I just believed in equal opportunity and social justice for a little while. But my God, I’m glad that’s over.

I am now a proud, rock-ribbed conservative. The GOP — the Grand Old Party of utter nihilism — is my loving home.