Federal Holidays, Gone!

The following is satire, I hope…unless subsequent events make it prophecy.

Racist statues…going, gone. What’s next? Racist, discriminatory federal holidays!

List of 2020 federal holidays and their offenses:

• Wednesday, Jan. 1, New Year’s Day: Often depicted as mostly naked white baby. Inflames pedophiles and reeks of age discrimination — gone.

• Monday, Jan. 20, Birthday of Martin Luther King Jr.: Civil rights leader was known philanderer. Offends #METOO movement — gone.

• Monday, Feb. 17, Washington’s Birthday: Slave holder who slept everywhere — gone.

• Monday, May 25, Memorial Day: Glorifies people who died in wars. Offends peace movement — gone.

• Friday, July 3, Independence Day: Launched by slaveholders — gone.

• Monday, Sept. 7, Labor Day: Nobody labors in 2020. Opposed by management — gone.

• Monday, Oct. 12, Columbus Day: Celebrates abuser of native people — gone.

• Wednesday, Nov. 11, Veterans Day: Glorifies people, dead and alive, who served in military. Offends peace movement — gone.

• Thursday, Nov. 26, Thanksgiving Day: Promotes gluttony, obesity and Native American stereotypes. Dr. Fauci worries about contribution to comorbidity during pandemic — gone.

• Friday, Dec. 25, Christmas Day: Christian Holy Day, really? Opposed by Muslims, Jews, atheists, agnostics and anybody who gets coal in their stocking. Also, obese white man in red suit smoking pipe alarms Dr. Fauci — gone.

Wow, 10 federal holidays bite the dust! Think of the boost to economic productivity. Ten more days to trade stocks, bank in person, visit the post office, get your snail mail delivered and call your favorite IRS bureaucrat. Maybe even the DMV would be open. And your kids would attend school.

Think of the increased manufacturing quality, no more post-holiday hangovers!

Gregory Whitney Newhall