Almost no perfect recipe for a father
I often tease my wife of 48 years, Barb, that it was her mother’s cooking that brought me into her family. We lived only a few blocks from each other and I ended up eating dinner with Barb and her parents frequently. One of her mother’s dishes was macaroni and cheese. She took pride in not using a recipe and hastily throwing the ingredients together. She always wanted to improve on it so starting out with one or two kinds of cheese, she increased to three and then four kinds of cheese and then tried adding olive oil. My taste buds were offended by the olive oil. Thankfully, she didn’t use the oil very long. I readily forgave her and I got the better deal by marrying Barb.
Similarly, I think there is no perfect recipe for a good father. Yes, a father can set strategies with his wife on rearing children, read books, view videos, talk with professionals and exchange ideas with friends, but God makes each child differently. There are some staple ingredients for the making of a good father, but among the most important is the ability to be flexible in ways of reaching your child. I have expounded on a few of those staples below.
• Love — When one of our three boys was young, he was very head-strong. Tantrums came easily to him. It would have been easy (and I found it so sometimes) to spank him. However, I found it more effective and satisfying when he was 3 or 4 to pick him up, carry him to the bathroom, put the seat down on the toilet and sit down with him on my lap with my arms around him and let him scream and wiggle until he became exhausted. In later
years I have seen this picture in my imagination as adults trying to be rebellious with God. Depending on how one was brought up, expressing love to your children can be very difficult so it’s very important to show this to your kids so that love continues in future generations.
• Consistency — Because of fathers’ weaknesses and the time at which they show love, discipline and set the rules, it is very difficult to be consistent with each child. When our oldest son was of the age to watch the TV show “McGiver,” he had a bedtime of 8:30 p.m. Mc-
Giver was on from 8 to 9 p.m. Our son could watch until 8:30 and then he had to go to bed. When his brother, who was four years younger, was old enough to watch the show, we had relaxed our standards and he got to see the entire show. We heard it for years that: “I had to go to bed at 8:30, but he stayed up until 9 and watched the entire show.”
• Support — Although I took my job seriously, I also took my role as a supporting father seriously by attending our kids’ events that were important to them as frequently as possible, whether it be baseball, soccer, track, dirt bike racing, awards at school, etc. Obviously this applies to plays, concerts, art, science or whatever area you child has an interest in.
• Admit I’m Not Perfect — There comes a time to let your kids know you know you’re not perfect. I never captured their attention more than when sitting around the dinner table, I told them about my experience attending summer school after ninth grade for algebra. After several questions, I was asked to relate how I messed up other times. Although it was dif-
ficult, each one of us dads can tell how we messed up countless times.
• Don’t Assume — One of my everlasting life lessons is when I assumed the obvious and was wrong. We had moved to Sandy, Utah, after our kids had lived in Delaware County, Pa., all of their lives. Frequent trips were made “back home” to visit friends. During our first summer in Utah, two of our boys asked to fly east to visit friends. After much instruction during which I read the riot act to them about staying out of trouble, they were on their way. A short time after returning to Utah, one of the boys received a letter in the mail from the Delaware County court system. Unfortunately, I was the first to see the letter. I stormed downstairs and let our son have it saying (yelling), “You promised to behave on the trip.” We opened the envelope and found not a ticket or summons inside but a check from the court for damage some boys had done to his bicycle when they stole it a year or two before. The boys were caught and instructed to pay for damages via the court. Talk about red-faced!
The five qualities above
are just the beginning of a good recipe for fathers helping to raise their children. Just like the macaroni recipe, ingredients should be added or changed to fit the child; his/her age the personality of the child and other variables.
I hope you noticed the most important word in the headline of this column: Almost. This word can mean virtually (or nearly totally true). There is one exception in this case, and that deals with the responsibility of the father to inspire his children spiritually. There is one perfect father and He is the Lord God, Father of Jesus Christ, who was sent to the earth as a perfect human with his Father’s attributes. He obeyed his Father to come to earth for a short period of time to train his disciples and then at the Father’s timing shed his blood on the cross for everyone’s sins. “All each person has to do is: Confess with your mouth ‘Jesus is Lord’, and believe in your heart that God raised Jesus from the dead and you will be saved.” (Romans 10:9).