Mother who lost daughter in school shooting talks about trusting God
Jennifer Hubbard speaks about her faith and her family
While many people may question their faith after losing a child, Jennifer Hubbard’s relationship with God was strengthened by tragedy.
Hubbard, who lost her daughter, Catherine, in the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting, recently spoke at the Malvern Retreat House about how her faith has helped her to trust God despite the agonizing grief of losing a child.
Hubbard, a Catholic, said that she did not grow up with the faith she has in God now, but recalled that she learned more about God when she walked around her neighborhood with her friend, Sandy. She knew that God loved her, but said it was in hindsight that she realized God’s love and grace in her life.
“Prayer became a very important part of my life, before Catherine died,” Hubbard said. “It is not the prayer life that I have now. Nor will my prayer life now be the prayer life I have in five years. I thank God for that.”
Sandy gave her a book called “Jesus Calling.” Hubbard said as “Catholics, we don’t read the Bible … I think that’s changing.” With scriptures included in the daily devotions in “Jesus Calling,” Hubbard began reading the bible because of the parallel she saw in her life to God’s words. Sandy invited her to Bible study, which Hubbard instead referred to as ‘book club.’ Hubbard said she found herself out of her comfort zone at first, but then she made more time to spend with God in prayer and devotionals.
Hubbard and her husband each night helped their children Catherine and Freddy to read stories. They interacted one-onone, and then they would switch.
“Well those evenings became painful,” Hubbard said, and they stopped the bedtime reading time. “Because it was a question of who is going to read with
“I truly believe that when you are left with nothing is the moment you stop resisting God. You stop making reasons for why you can’t do certain things, you just go with it. He will fill you in a way that you have never been filled before.” — Jennifer Hubbard
Freddy, and if someone is reading with Freddy, then one of us was sitting alone and it’s not fun to sit alone because you should be up there sitting with your child who is no longer here.”
Hubbard and Freddy began reading an action Bible together, which she said was “awesome because Freddy was encountering God.” He enjoyed the stories and characters. She encouraged the attendees to not be too busy to spend time with God.
“I truly believe that when you are left with nothing is the moment you stop resisting God. You stop making reasons for why you can’t do certain things, you just go with it,” Hubbard said. “He will fill you in a way that you have never been filled before. He filled us in a way that we have never been filled before.”
She said she felt God’s presence like a whisper to tell her, “I know. Just stay right here with me.”
Catherine, 6, was one of 20 first-grade students killed in the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting in December 2012, in Newtown, Connecticut. Six staff members also died.
Hubbard said that she knows that Catherine is happy and not afraid in Heaven. Freddy was 8 at the time of the shooting, and also attended Sandy Hook.
“He carried the weight of losing his sister, of living through a tragedy, of living through a home that was just not the same,” Hubbard said, who described Freddy as brave.
Freddy described his experience as waves crashing into a boat. Hubbard had journaled about a similar feeling. She said that at those times, God is “calling us to trust who he is and what he is capable of doing.”
“We may not like it. We may not understand it,” Hubbard said. “But sometimes it’s a matter of trusting.”
She said that her religion tells people not to question God, but she said that is unfortunate.
“So much of my prayer life and my healing has come from getting real with God,” Hubbard said about another time that she questioned God.
She told God she hated how quiet her home had become as they mourned their loss in their own ways, and hated that God did not stop what happened. She said she felt a sense of peace because she knew that God had heard her cries. She said everyone has free will.
Hubbard said she realized that God wanted her to spend time in prayer with him, and that he would fill her “holes.”
“Because when you let God guide you, when you let God heal you, when you allow Jesus to come into your life … your perspective somehow changes,” Hubbard said.
She said she made the decision to walk with God, even if it was out of her comfort zone, because she would trust him. One of those times was when they put Freddy on the school bus to return in January 2013. Her husband Matt said if his son could go to school, he could go to work. Hubbard said that when they were unsure of what to do, she knew God would tell her to trust him and go forth.