The Supreme Court better not mess with ice cream
Everybody in America seems to be talking about, thinking about, dreaming about, obsessing about, squabbling about, sweating about and screaming about abortion rights and gun rights.
Except when they’re eating ice cream.
People’s opinions on gun and abortion rights seemingly are entrenched in concrete. So, short of running over them with a bulldozer, it’s a waste of time trying to sway their opinion.
For the record, I’m not big on death. Never have been. Never will be. So I would prefer an America without guns and abortions. I also would prefer an America landscaped with gumdrop and lollipop trees.
But I absolutely demand that America have plenty of ice cream forever. God help the Supreme Court if it ever overturns our constitutional right to indulge in our favorite ice cream flavor.
Granted, the Constitution doesn’t mention that ice cream is our inalienable right. But if I ever get around to reading the Constitution, I’m sure I’ll find that its implied.
Yes, they had ice cream back then. The first ice cream parlor in America opened in New York City in 1776. American colonists were the first to use the term ice cream. The name came from the phrase iced cream, which was similar to iced tea. The name was later abbreviated to ice cream.
The colonists were clever with words, weren’t they?
And suckers for ice cream. You know why George Washington had wooden teeth? Too many cavities from overindulging in his favorite chocolate fudge swirl ice cream. Plus, his dentist was also a butcher and a blacksmith.
America truly is blessed from shining sea to shining sea that ice cream is the only topic currently not splintered by partisanship. Rightwingers, left-wingers and the one or two remaining centrists all scream for ice cream.
By the way, ice cream isn’t all that good for you. But what the heck, America is the home of the brave — brave enough to ingest ice cream by the half-gallon in one sitting.
Ice cream is high in calories with high saturated fat and cholesterol content. It has the potential to cause food poisoning, icecream related headaches and even cause the formation of pimples. Ice cream may also contain lactose, unhealthy additives and chemicals, and certain allergens like nuts.
Ice cream can lead to weight gain, diabetes, heart attack, bloating, indigestion, fat in the belly, kidney problems, cancer, irritation of the eyes, sore throat, allergic reaction, chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, addiction, sluggishness and flopping around like a seal.
On the plus side, it doesn’t lead to weightlessness. Unless, of course, you eat it in outer space.
I don’t follow the judicial branch closely because I try to steer clear of legal entanglements. I’m proud of the fact that I’ve never been indicted, let alone arrested.
But I will keep a close eye on Justices Samuel Alito, Clarence Thomas, Brett Kavanaugh, Amy Coney Barrett and Neil Gorsuch. As long as I see them strolling the streets of Washington while eating ice cream cones, I know I won’t have to move to Canada.
Just to make sure, I encourage all Americans to drop off gallons of ice cream on the Supreme Court Building steps. Let the Justices engorge themselves, secure in the knowledge that their long black robes will conceal their considerable weight gain.
And hopefully make them so frigid they’ll be too frozen to screw with contraception, same-sex marriage and showering naked.