Bug­ging Ju­nior E. Lee about the up­com­ing elec­tion

The Standard Journal - - LOCAL - DICK YAR­BROUGH

As a pub­lic ser­vice, I want to share with you the lat­est po­lit­i­cal data in or­der to help you de­cide for whom to vote in next week’s elec­tions. If you have al­ready voted, hope­fully it will con­firm the wisdom of your de­ci­sion or let you bang your head against the wall for be­ing such a dimwit.

This means min­ing the po­lit­i­cal ex­per­tise of one Ju­nior E. Lee, gen­eral man­ager of the Yar­brough World­wide Me­dia and Pest Con­trol Com­pany, lo­cated in Greater Garfield, Ge­or­gia. Ju­nior is not only one of the na­tion’s most highly re­spected po­lit­i­cal an­a­lysts, he is also a pest con­trol pro­fes­sional. That is a rare com­bi­na­tion. Nei­ther Rush Lim­baugh nor that guy on MSNBC who looks like the Pills­bury Dough Boy can make such a claim.

One of Ju­nior E. Lee’s most im­por­tant con­tri­bu­tions to the re­fine­ment of po­lit­i­cal anal­y­sis has been the cre­ation of Round or Square Polls, whose motto is “If you pro­vide the dough, we’ll cook the re­sults.” It has be­come the model for most all other polling or­ga­ni­za­tions in the U.S., plus-or-mi­nus 5 per­cent.

When I got Ju­nior on the phone it was ob­vi­ous he was very busy. He said he was not only an­a­lyz­ing the vot­ing trends of peo­ple who own dogs be­tween the ages of 18 to 45 (the own­ers, not the dogs) and are fe­male (the dogs, not the own­ers), he was also loading up the truck with Per­me­thrin to go spray Arveen Ri­d­ley’s barn for ticks.

I apol­o­gized for get­ting him at such an in­op­por­tune time, but told him I was feel­ing the heat to get the lat­est po­lit­i­cal anal­y­sis to my read­ers be­fore they got it from sus­pect sources like the na­tional tele­vi­sion net­works, the ca­ble news chan­nels, the New York Times or Farmer’s Almanac.

Ju­nior said he cer­tainly un­der­stood my con­cerns ex­cept he thought Farmer’s Almanac played things pretty straight even though they spend too much time talk­ing about wooly worms be­ing an in­di­ca­tor of fu­ture weather trends. He said they should leave wooly worm dis­cus­sions to pest con­trol pro­fes­sion­als like him­self.

I quickly steered the con­ver­sa­tion back to next week’s elec­tions be­cause if you get Ju­nior started on wooly worms, ne­ma­todes and the like, you can’t hush him up.

I asked Ju­nior about the gover­nor’s race. It seems that Demo­crat Stacey Abrams and Repub­li­can Brian Kemp are run­ning neck-and-neck at this point. He re­minded me that a Lib­er­tar­ian is also run­ning, although he has about as much chance of win­ning as a wooly worm does learn­ing to play chess. I will ad­mit that Ju­nior E. Lee’s analo­gies can be a bit weird at times. I think he has in­haled a bit too much malathion over the years.

As for the gover­nor’s race, Ju­nior says it will be won by those in the mid­dle since most of the wingnuts on ei­ther end of the po­lit­i­cal spec­trum have al­ready cast their bal­lots.

What con­sti­tutes the mid­dle, I asked? Ju­nior says it is mainly peo­ple who don’t want il­le­gal aliens be­ing al­lowed to carry guns on our col­lege cam­puses or in our houses of wor­ship. I said I would have to think about that one. For ex­am­ple, I knew Bap­tists weren’t keen on il­le­gal aliens but that they liked pack­ing heat most ev­ery­where be­cause they con­sider it a “sanc­tity of life” is­sue — for­get that pesky “Thou Shalt Not Kill” com­mand­ment. Ju­nior re­minded me that we were talk­ing about folks in the mid­dle, not Bap­tists. Ah, yes. That’s why the man gets the big bucks.

If Abrams wins, Ju­nior pre­dicts she will move the gover­nor’s of­fice to Hol­ly­wood where most of her fi­nan­cial sup­port­ers are lo­cated. On the other hand, if Kemp wins, he says look for Hooter­ville to be the new state cap­i­tal and Jed Clam­pett to be his chief of staff. I hope he is just pulling my leg.

Ju­nior said he needed to wrap up the con­ver­sa­tion. Af­ter he fin­ished at Arveen Ri­d­ley’s place, he needed to drive over to Aunt Flossy Felmer and take an­other peek in her draw­ers. He says he is look­ing for fire ants. I don’t be­lieve that for a minute. Frankly, I think Ju­nior spends too much pok­ing around Aunt Flossy’s draw­ers, but I don’t say any­thing. Find­ing a highly re­spected po­lit­i­cal an­a­lyst who is also a pest con­trol pro­fes­sional is not easy.

In clos­ing, Ju­nior E. Lee joins me in urg­ing you to please vote on Nov. 6. It is both a priv­i­lege and a re­spon­si­bil­ity. About that, we are not kid­ding.

You can reach Dick Yar­brough at dick@dick­yarbrough.com; at P.O. Box 725373, At­lanta, Ge­or­gia, 31139 or on Facebook at

www.facebook.com/dick­yarb.

Yar­brough

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