It’s better to forgive from a distance

The subject of forgiveness has always been a fascinating one to me. Not surprisingly, my opinions about it have sometimes been at odds with established ways of thinking about it.

For instance, I absolutely deny the usefulness of ideas like “forgive and forget.“What good is forgetting if there’s something to be learned? And we often learn quite a bit in the moments of experiencing something for which our forgiveness might later be requested. Drama is often in need of forgiveness. But never forgetting.

Mainstream religious thought contends that we will not receive forgiveness until we ask for it. However, I believe it’s more about perceiving than receiving. We don’t perceive forgiveness until we hear ourselves ask for it. In my belief, since according to tradition God knows our hearts and actions long before we ever commit them, we are pre-forgiven for our actions. But even the term pre-forgiven isn’t quite right because if we are so deeply understood by God, then how could we ever truly be held in a place of unforgiveness in the first place?

I think forgiveness is a human action. From God’s perspective it’s just pure understanding. If we had pure understanding of ourselves and others, I think we would approach those who trespass against us much differently. I think in encouraging the tradition of asking for forgiveness, however, God is in actuality encouraging us to forgive ourselves, and then make better choices thereafter. The reason we are encourage not to judge others, is because once we get out of the habit of it, we start to see the humanity we have in common.

Does understanding what makes someone behave in a negative way make it easier for us to forgive them? Does it make it easier for us to figure out what the right and loving solution is rather than simply arresting them and locking them up because we think the problem is too big to solve?

But on the practical, every day level, we need forgiveness in our lives. Even if we can’t be in a direct relationship with someone any longer because we are still vulnerable to their harm, we can still forgive people from a distance. Even if they haven’t asked for it. We can remind ourselves that only hurt people hurt people.

Can one truly have empathy for someone who has harmed us? That is what the masters teach us, after all. Why might they teach it? It can’t be that it’s impossible, or unadvisable. Christianity, as well as other faiths, teach us to love our enemy. Why might they do that? Is there value in this?

I have enough faith to believe that there must be some value to the action of forgiving others. I have enough faith to believe that loving my enemy is very likely good advice. Which means that it must be that forgiveness and safety can occur simultaneously. Forgiveness cannot mean continuing to subject ourselves to harm on purpose. That’s the forgetting part of ‘forgive and forget.’ Don’t forget. Stay safe. Forgive from a distance.

You don’t even have to tell them that you’ve forgiven them. In fact, it even comes across a little arrogant if offered without having been asked for. But it’s just as well. Because forgiveness given without having been asked for is purely for yourself. It is to end the cycle of inner anger and resentment that poisons our hearts and brains. It corrupts the delicate balance of our body and our brain chemistry.

Forgiveness does not mean relieving someone of their accountability or responsibility for their actions. Our job is to make sure that our judicial system is fair and works to rehabilitate people rather than just lock them up and throw away the key. Retribution is an easy road out but a rough trail to walk back on. We will always pay a price for the miscarriage of justice. As soon as our culture really learns to incorporate a model of empathy and forgiveness into its approach of those who have caused harm, we will continue to cause it. We will continue to perpetuate old cycles of violence and retribution. It doesn’t need to be this way.

Let there be peace on earth. And let it begin with you.

Wil Darcangelo, M.div, is the minister at the First Parish UU Church of Fitchburg and of the First Church of Christ, Unitarian in Lancaster. Email wildarcangelo@gmail .com. On Twitter @wildarcangelo. His blog, Hopeful Thinking, can be found at www.hopefulthinkingworld.blogspot.com.