Be conscious in the midst of change

This column seeks to help educate our community about emotional healing through grief. People may write questions to Golden Willow Retreat and they will be answered privately to you and possibly as a future article for others. Please list a first name that grants permission for printing.

Dear Dr. Ted:

I have just gone back to school and I’m watching so much “silly” behavior by everybody. It’s like the entire high school is an anthill that has been kicked and spread. Why do people get so radical when something changes in their lives?

Thanks, Just Observing Dear Observing:

I think it is really cool that you are observing the world around you and the interactive behaviors of the people around you. My guess is you observe your own interactions and behaviors as you navigate the world surrounding you.

You experience many losses in your life and each one will impact you differently. Some losses are so normalized that they have become habitualized and unconscious. If you think about a car, each time you shift gears you need to put the clutch in, manually or automatically, to give space for the gears to disengage and re-engage in the new pattern. If the clutch does not disengage the gears before shifting, the gears begrudgingly grind and have resistance to the change.

As a person, your emotions are similar to a clutch. When there is a change in your life, if you do not take a moment to push in the metaphorical emotional clutch, your gears will grind and possibly wreak havoc as the gears of life grind into that new situation. Transitions in life are a grief process that most people perform unconsciously and then frantically try to adapt into new situations.

Often, in this article, I speak about how change is the death of one situation and grief is the process of transitioning and transforming into the new definition of who and where you are now in your life. Change can lead to a level of chaos that leads to constructing the new situation.

It sounds like you are noticing a lot of chaos as people transition from summer life to school life. I recommend you stay aware and be aware of your actions during this transition time.

Changes can cause a high level of impulsivity, irritability, hypersensitivity and loss of short-term memory. This isn’t the best recipe for an educational atmosphere.

The schools can only do so much in making the environment safe and adaptable for learning. After that, it is up to the students as individuals and as a collective to create the best educational space possible.

Something called “external locus of control” is a situation where you have expectations, and if not met, blame outside/external forces for your disappointment. If you have an internal locus of control, you know what is right and wrong and you navigate your impulses and actions.

Schools try to set the roads for success, but you are the driver of your own actions. You can stay on the road and have a successful and joyful experience, or you can veer off the road and find yourself in a bumpy situation and possibly stuck in the mud. The choice to respond or react is always yours. I hope you have a wonderful and gentle school year.

Thank you for the question and sharing your astute observation. I wish you well. Until next week, take care.