A bridge to healthy communication

This weekly column seeks to help educate our community about emotional healing through grief. People may write questions to Golden Willow Retreat and they will be answered privately to you and possibly as a future article for others. List a first name that grants permission for printing.

Dear Dr. Ted:

Last week you mentioned nonviolent communication. Please explain this topic in more detail. Thanks, Robert

Dear Robert:

Important topics and I will do my best to explain violent and nonviolent communication within this article.

The topic of violent communication pertains to communication that violates someone’s personal safety. Communication should be a bridge between two people (or animals) in which the two are trying to portray their thoughts, feelings, values, wants and needs to another person and in return, the person reciprocates with acknowledgement of the person’s message, and possibly has a return message back to that person.

This process is so impossibly simple! In other words, expressing our internal process and having it heard and process with a reciprocal response is really difficult and so much gets lost in translation. Expression, in a healthy way, is actually an act of bravery and vulnerability as someone is exposing their internal process to the external world.

Violent communication shows up in many forms and it is often unconscious and not from a malicious intent, but it does not mean it is not violent communication. This type of communication has an impact on the other person who is initiating a connection, and deteriorates the bridge of healthy communication.

Passively this can happen in the form of not responding with an acknowledgement when someone “reaches out” through words. Not responding leaves the initiator in limbo, ghosted and not seen, causing the person to feel ignored.

There is also more obvious violent communication such as screaming and yelling, threatening, chastising, belittling, teasing and other ways of trying to “pull the rug out from under someone.” Interrupting is an area that intercepts someone’s attempt to communicate and disregards their sharing. This is often not thought of as violent communication but causes the other person to be dismissed from their expression.

When someone maliciously or unconsciously dismisses another, deflects their thoughts and feelings, ignores, interrupts, belittles or any other verbal or nonverbal way of making someone feel “less than,” there is violent communication. Violent communication causes levels of insecurity and fear, negating the possibility of higher levels of intimacy in which both communicators have a chance to know each other a little bit better.

Being seen, heard and valued are needs by all of us and connection allows for this to happen. Healthy communication increases safety, allowing for more and more openness and willingness to share differences as well as commonalities.

In a world that is hurting so badly, finding commonalities and learning from differences will serve to gain knowledge from the collective, rather than only the like-minded, while leaving blinders for differences to open new levels of potential growth and healing.

To be a healthy communicator takes discipline and skill as you are not able to just jump in with your thoughts but your willingness to listen and try to understand the other person, even when you think you already know. Being curious of what they have to say and then reciprocating within the communication leads to a safe ground for sharing.

Choosing to not make someone “smaller” by teasing, embarrassing, dismissing and emotionally bruising the other person can lead to a happier life of safety for both communicators.

Thank you for the question, and until next week, please stay safe and healthy.