Does grief ever end?

The Taos News has committed to implement a weekly column to help educate our community about emotional healing through grief. People may write questions to Golden Willow Retreat and they will be answered privately to you and possibly as a future article for others. Please list a first name that grants permission for printing.

Hi Ted.

My father’s birthday recently took place and I always think of him on that day. This year, even though he passed in1986 at age 70, I had some deep feelings of sadness thinking that he was not old. I am in my early ‘70s and feel vigorous and live a fairly happy life. I look forward to seeing my loved ones and spending good times with my wife. I feel that my sadness for my father is thinking he could have enjoyed many more years of life and that he missed out on a lot. My question is does grief ever end?

Thanks, Larry

Dear Larry,

It is so beautiful the way you have honored your dad’s life (and death) as well as celebrate the life you are living while appreciating today at your wonderful and joyous life in your ‘70s! Thank you for your question and for sharing a part of your story. Grief is a lifelong process which changes over time but is part or your life forever. Grief is not a race to be “done with it” or “get over it” as grief is the transformational healing process from a loss in your life. That loss and the experiences in relationship to that loss, are the experiences that make you who you are, which make it difficult, and possibly, not healthy to think that you can negate the experiences in your life. What grief allows you is the ability to not be confined and defined by a loss that you have experienced, but incorporate the loss into your life today to best serve you in the present moment, rather than in the actual moment of that loss.

It does sound like you have been feeling the love for your father as you have reached a new milestone in your life where you are actually older than your father now. This can be a profound time as someone always pictures their parent older than them, and as you are enjoying these years, a compassionate piece of grief has set in, of being sad for your father who did not have the opportunity to experience his life in his ‘70s. Your grief seems to have two components, your loss of not as much time for your dad as you had wished, as well as your vicarious grief for him to not have had as much time on this earth. You have brought up a great example of how complexed grief is, as in this short exchange, we have spoken about secondary grief, present grief, vicarious grief, transformational grief and other avenues that come up from one’s loss.

Grief is a never-ending path with the opportunity of personal growth, on-going love, and a balance of past, present and future as well as joy and sorrow. Acknowledging and sharing your grief process is the fuel that allows for continuous healing and personal growth which, in return, allows you to continue to walk with your dad as he is part of your life and heart. Larry, thanks for sharing and walking with your grief in the present moment. Until next week, I wish you health, healing, and continuous growth.

Golden Willow Retreat is a nonprofit organization focused on emotional healing and recovery from any type of loss. Direct any questions to Dr. Ted Wiard, EdD, LPCC, CGC, Founder of Golden Willow Retreat GWR@ newmex.com.