Grief includes a pause
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Dear Dr. Ted: This last year has been very difficult on me and I’m seeing how the losses I have had in my life have impacted my marriage. In addition to having some loved ones die and other losses, I see how the losses have impacted my marriage. My husband and I have found it more difficult to put up with each other’s differences as it used to not seem to matter. Please let me know if this is something you see within the grief process. Thanks, Angelica
Dear Angelica, Thank you for sharing something that is very common within the grief process. As I don’t know your exact personal situation, I can speak in general with the hope that it helps. When loss enters into someone’s life, the ripple effect can be felt throughout the person’s entire life. Before a loss, you establish a certain homeostasis of how you do your life. When any type of loss enters your world it impacts all aspects of your life from friends, family, work and even different levels of irritation you may have overlooked in the past. Your system is put on hypervigilance as you try to rebuild your foothold of how you navigate the world around you. The ripple effect can have an impact within your closest relationships, such as family members.
This goes for any type of loss or just the intense levels of stress the world gives to you. Something that may help is to remember to pause before you respond to a situation. You might even think of your vows as a reminder of the pause, where you think before you take an action that may not be proactive within your marriage. Pausing allows you to remember why you got married in the first place.
Conscious decision making is when you gather all the possible information before you act, especially in areas such as family decisions or in other areas where you may take your partner for granted. It is easy to become dismissive, and doing so will start to build gaps and wedges within the relationship which can cause more and more isolation. These wedges can lead to a level of two people living in the same house with no commonalities and connection. It is helpful to find professional support during stressful times to help with navigating the troubled waters that arise while allowing room for differences and having those differences be the strength to move forward in the relationship.
Finding the good rather than searching for what does not work allows you to be a team as you walk through grief. Pausing before being reactive is the key to allow kindness and respect to be the foundation for moving forward together. Honor your marriage by being willing to listen to your partner and taking time to let them know you appreciate them as well. I wish you well, and please stay safe. Until next week, take care.
Golden Willow Retreat is a nonprofit organization focused on emotional healing and recovery from any type of loss. Direct any questions to Dr. Ted Wiard, EdD, LPCC, CGC, Founder of Golden Willow Retreat GWR@ newmex.com or call at 575776-2024. Weekly virtual grief groups, at no charge, are being offered to help support emotional well-being. Information can be accessed through