Belittling and verbal abuse (what to do about it)

Last November’s “Everybody’s Business” column examined “gaslighting” — an insidious form of abuse whereby one person asserts control over another by making them feel like they are going crazy and causing them to doubt their own reality.

Gaslighting is set in motion by demeaning verbal expressions, such as “You just imagined that ... ” or “I can’t believe you think that ever happened.”

That is verbal abuse, and here we’ll explore how to identify it and what to do about it.

Like all other types of abuse, the goal of the verbal abuser is to gain and maintain control over another person, most commonly a relationship partner. To accomplish this, the perpetrator uses a pattern of speaking with the intent to demean, humiliate, blame or threaten the victim.

Verbal abuse is the most common abuse form, and it most often sets the stage for other types of future abuse. Research shows 95 percent of abusers who physically assault their victims also verbally abuse them.

Verbal abuse takes many forms: hostile sarcasm, raging, threatening and using demeaning/derogatory name-calling. But it can also be so subtle that victims may not recognize seemingly innocent criticisms or jokes at the victim’s expense.

But in unhealthy or abusive relationships, the repetition of even the most subtly demeaning comments take root in a victim’s mind, eroding their self-esteem and confidence. Abusers use cruel phrases to instill doubt about the victim’s beliefs and perceptions.

Here are questions to help identify verbal abuse:

Do fights, threats or insults come out of nowhere?

Do outbursts or insults begin in private but then occur in public?

Is your partner tearing you down when you’re visibly happy?

Are the insults starting to feel familiar?

Is your partner putting down your personal or professional interests?

Is your partner threatening you with other forms of abuse?

Sometimes, it’s hard to distinguish between verbal abuse and an argument. Respectful arguments are common — and normal — in a healthy relationship, and most lead to a better understanding of each other and a stronger bond. Respectful partners build each other up, not purposefully put each other down.

And how can you tell the difference between an intentionally insulting joke and one that might have just been foolish? By the way it makes you feel diminished, or “less than.”

Another sign of verbal abuse is the lack of a sincere apology when you express how hurtful the comment was. If a comment or action makes you feel bad, it’s your right to express your discomfort directly and to expect a genuine apology.

Abuse toward you is not your fault. No one deserves to be demeaned or insulted. If you’re dealing with belittling behaviors, try these steps:

Identify how the comment makes you feel, so you can express your emotions.

Tell your partner exactly how they made you feel and that you don’t like it.

Don’t retaliate or insult back. Accept an apology, but don’t brush it off — that could imply it’s okay to do it again.

No one deserves to be demeaned, insulted or controlled by a partner. If you have been experiencing this, it may be beneficial to reach out to someone who can listen and help you sort through what’s happening. CAV staff are trained to listen and evaluate if things are at risk of elevating to a more dangerous level. CAV’s 24-hour Helpline is 575-758-9888 or visit DomesticShelters.org and search “verbal abuse” to learn more.

Malinda Williams is the executive director of Community Against Violence (CAV) which offers FREE confidential support and assistance for child and adult survivors of sexual and domestic violence, dating violence, stalking, and child/elder abuse; community and school violence prevention programs; re-education groups for people using power and control in their relationships; counseling; shelter; transitional housing; and community thrift store. To talk or get information on services, call CAV’s 24-hour hotline at 575758-9888 or visit TaosCAV.org.