Sometimes we just have to rip off the Band-Aid

The Taos News has committed to implement a weekly column to help educate our community about emotional healing through grief. People may write questions to Golden Willow Retreat, and they will be answered privately to you and possibly as a future article for others. Please list a first name that grants permission for printing.

Dear Dr. Ted:

There have been many losses in our community and in my life. I have a garage that I have not been able to tackle since my dad died. It is dilapidated and really needs to be taken down and rebuilt. The hard part is I know this, but I feel like I will be dishonoring him and lose the history or all the cars we worked on in there, as well as all the stories of a local garage. Is it wrong to tear down this special spot that meant so much to me but now is becoming a hazard?

Thanks, Ramon

Dear Ramon:

Wow Ramon, it sounds like you have amazing history with your dad, and many of those memories seem as if they are stored within the old garage. You may feel as if life has a way of seeping in around you as you try to hold onto a monument of the past. Deciding what action to take in these types of situations can be very difficult and can cause enormous turmoil as you hold onto the past and feel the pressure to find ways of honoring that history, while being cognizant of the need to step into the present time and your present needs. In your note to me, you mention possibilities of the need for the garage to change as you are changing, and nature is also taking its own course on the garage making it less safe and dilapidated. I also hear an emotional stress of feeling that there is a need for change — even if your heart is wishing it could be what it used to be with you and your father.

Where these memories truly live are within your own heart and not in the outer world. It appears your life changed after the death of your father and you may find yourself holding onto the garage as a protest of the changes taken place and possibly the fear if the garage goes away, your love and memories may go away as well. Sometimes holding onto something to keep a memory alive can be healthy. In other cases, that holding on can actually cause your healing process to become stagnant and delay the grief process as a level of denial takes hold in the form of “the garage is still there, then dad must still be there.” I like to think of it as taking off a BandAid. At first, the Band-Aid helps stop bleeding, protects the wound and allows healing to begin. But if the Band-Aid is left on too long, bacteria and infection can start to move in as the wound needs a change, cleaning and new air and light to enter the area that has been injured. Even though it may be painful and scary, there comes a time that the Band-Aid needs to be ripped off to allow the healing process to continue.

The difficult part is knowing the right time for healing or rewounding. This is something I cannot tell you, but allowing an area to become alive once again while honoring the history of the area may hurt at first, but it could also allow life back into something that may be delaying healing and growth. Honoring your dad and the memories from the past while moving into the present and the future allows both the history and growth to live symbiotically. I wish you well on this difficult and profound decision in your healing, one that can lead to new growth and new potential while still honoring the lineage of the past.

Until then, stay safe and take care.

Golden Willow Retreat is a nonprofit organization focused on emotional healing and recovery from any type of loss. Direct any questions to Dr. Ted Wiard, EdD, LPCC, CGC, Founder of Golden Willow Retreat at GWR@newmex.com or call at 575-776-2024. Weekly virtual grief groups, at no charge, are being offered to help support emotional well-being. Information can be accessed through goldenwillowretreat.org.