Yearning is a different animal than craving in the grief process

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Dear Dr. Ted:

I experienced the death of my mother a couple of months ago and I’m amazed at how deeply it has impacted me. She was in her nineties and had a good life. What I have noticed is, I have longings or yearnings for her, to give her a call, go see her or something. Someone told me that I’m craving her, which did not seem like the right feeling. Can you tell me the difference between yearning and craving?

Thanks, Jim

Dear Jim,

Isn’t it amazing how semantics can be so important in the loss and grief process? When you have a loss in your life, usually there are no words to describe what you are feeling, and yet a large part of the healing process is connecting and sharing your experience. A lot of human connections are established by communicating verbally, so you will do the best to find words that may be close to this indescribable emotion or feeling.

After the death of a loved one, most people do have an intensified level of yearning. You can also think of this as an emotional and possibly visceral pull of finding some way — mentally, emotionally, physically and/or spiritually — to connect with that person. You may think you see your mom at a stop light, hear her voice or look for her in your dreams.

This is common and healthy. Over time, the yearning for her physical being will not be the dominant part of your being. Through the grief process, you step more and more into the present moment and your brain and heart have a higher level of acceptance that you will not connect with her in the physical form, like you were able to before her death.

Craving is when the brain moves into an intense state of panic in which the brain believes if you do not see your mother again, you will literally die. Your intelligence is not able to override the intensity and your system and intelligence do not work together as you move into full survival mode. Craving can lead to irrational and erratic behavior, with your entire system desperately trying to find relief from an external source. Yearning can feel unbearable, painful, desperate and intensely uncomfortable, but there is something that lets the brain know that you won’t actually die in that moment.

On the other hand, craving can make you really feel this way. Craving also delays the grief process as it wreaks havoc and turmoil on people. If you find you are in a craving state, it is important to reach out and get professional support

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Ted Wiard to help subdue the nervous system in order to allow healing to take place. Professional and/or other types of support are important and can help with the healing process from loss, but if you are in a state of complete chaos and havoc, outside support is even more important.

Yearning can serve as the “pull” into your healing process. It can also help with transforming your loss and grief into a new relationship with your lost loved one in the present moment, rather than craving for the past form that is no longer there. You may find you yearn for your mother, and from that emotional energy you connect with her through your actions and her teachings. Grief is a lifetime process with many ups and downs, and yet, it gives the potential for growth and mindfulness through the energy and honoring of those you have lost.

Transforming the pull of yearning into the fuel that allows you to be a better person is a gift you can give to your mom.

Until next week, stay safe and take care.

Golden Willow Retreat is a nonprofit organization focused on emotional healing and recovery from any type of loss. Direct any questions to Dr. Ted Wiard, EdD, LPCC, CGC, Founder of Golden Willow Retreat at GWR@ newmex.com or call at 575-7762024. Weekly virtual grief groups, at no charge, are being offered to help support emotional well-being. Information can be accessed through goldenwillowretreat.org.