Nobody is excused from grief

The Taos News has committed to implement a weekly column to help educate our community about emotional healing through grief. People may write questions to Golden Willow Retreat and they will be answered privately to you and possibly as a future article for others. Please list a first name that grants permission for printing.

Dear Dr. Ted:

I have had many losses and have spent time in different therapies, workshops and education working with grief and truly learning and understanding the grief process. Lately, I’ve been in a difficult family separation in which I am so surprised how much I still feel the loss and have to do big grief work. Why is this if I have already done so much work and understand grief to a deep level?

Thanks, Desiree

Dear Desiree:

You bring up a great point on the grief process. No matter how much a person knows the grief process or has worked with healing from loss, you are not excused from grief. Grief is a natural and normal process of moving from some type of loss into the process of establishing a new foundation of your present life and the definition of who you are today. What knowledge and experience gives you is the confidence that you will walk through your loss, and know that there is hope for a new and a changed life. Acknowledging that there is loss and that the past is no longer the present expedites the grief process — denial does not have as strong of a grip on the person who has not experienced grief and loss.

Any loss has the potential of dredging up historical losses as well. You mentioned that you were working with family dynamics that bring to light your entire life and all the different experiences from your family life, as well as generational behaviors, beliefs, values, rituals and ceremonies and losses. When you have a loss, your system naturally will review your history for unresolved losses, tactics of how you have healed in the past and bring losses and victories to your forefront as you navigate your present loss.

Trying to bypass the grief process does not work. In fact, attempting to do so can actually delay healing, as the wound can only be cared for through grief. It is common for people who may have knowledge or be experts in behavioral health to have shame just like anyone else. They have to experience and walk through your grief. If you were a surgeon and needed surgery, you would not be able to skip the surgery due to your expertise. You may have more knowledge of the process, pick supports with more confidence, have a better understanding of complications, tools for healing and confidence in the process, but you still have to walk through the surgery and healing process from the wound. Loss and grief are the same — no matter how much you know about the healing process, you still must acknowledge there is loss and walk with grief as you heal from loss. Embracing the grief process with the faith that there is a new life after loss can be the underpinning that holds you on your healing path.

Until next week, stay safe and take care.

Golden Willow Retreat is a nonprofit organization focused on emotional healing and recovery from any type of loss. Direct any questions to Dr. Ted Wiard, EdD, LPCC, CGC, founder of Golden Willow Retreat at gwr@newmex. com or call at 575-776-2024. Weekly virtual grief groups, at no charge, are being offered to help support emotional well-being. Information can be accessed through goldenwillowretreat.org.