What do you say to a grieving person?
The Taos News has committed to implement a weekly column to help educate our community about emotional healing through grief. People may write questions to Golden Willow Retreat and they will be answered privately to you and possibly as a future article for others. Please list a first name that grants permission for printing.
Dear Dr. Ted:
This week has been so horrifying for me and our community. There have been so many losses within the community, and many of them have been deaths. I am friends with many of the families who have experienced unexpected loss, and I now found myself with no words to say to them. What should I say in these times of intense sorrow, when I can’t even imagine what they are going through?
Sincerely, James
Dear James:
I have to agree that our community is in the midst of many traumatic events right now, and it can feel overwhelming, as it feels many different types of losses have made an emotional riptide in the collective psyche of the community.
Environmental factors, such as the fire and high winds and the destruction those cause; gas and food prices; national and international concerns; road construction; and so many other factors of feelings of loss and futility can cause high levels of trauma and grief. There have also been many unexpected deaths in the last couple of weeks that have added to so much pain for so many families, friends and the community at large. You have asked what you say to someone who is grieving. That is a tough question, and it might be easiest to start by saying what you should not say to someone who is in the midst of grieving.
When someone is experiencing a recent loss, quite often there are no words to describe it. The human vocabulary cannot capture the depths of anguish from loss. There is also no fixing what seems so wrong, and words mostly seem to cause more pain when the intention is to try to fix the unfixable. Intellectualizing the situation does not help the person who is coming from an emotional free fall. Old clichés and platitudes may help the person who is saying them, but rarely do they help the bereft. Those suffering loss are rarely looking for words and do not need to now try to support you and your awkwardness and grief in
the situation.
Understanding your own vicarious grief and personal grief from the loss is the best place to begin. From there, you can start to be more present with your emotions. What most people need in the midst of loss is to be seen, heard and valued — not rescued, educated, smothered and, especially, not pitied.
You will find yourself in the situation of speaking with the person who is experiencing loss and grief. Some of the best things to say, if anything at all, are, “I am here, and I love you.” You might also say, “I’ve got your back for the long run.” Any type of information that says you are there for them no matter what can be helpful. They will guide you on how they wish to be seen, heard and valued.
This allows the person to know you are there for them, if needed, and that there is no need to rescue you from your awkwardness and grief. This approach gives the person their own permission to be raw, sad and to tell you what they may need in that moment, even if they do not know.
Being present, using fewer words and looking around for actions that can help assist the grieving person, such as buying extra toilet paper or food, feeding animals that need to be fed or helping with house chores, can help a grieving person feel supported so that they can begin rebuilding their life. Being there for the long run allows time for the communication to reopen and going where that person is within conversations allows healing for all.
Until next week, stay safe and take care.
Golden Willow Retreat is a nonprofit organization focused on emotional healing and recovery from any type of loss. Direct any questions to Dr. Ted Wiard, EdD, LPCC, CGC, Founder of Golden Willow Retreat at gwr@ newmex.com or call at 575776-2024. Weekly virtual grief groups, at no charge, are being offered to help support emotional well-being. Information can be accessed through goldenwillowretreat.org.