The Times Herald (Norristown, PA)
Author Esther Perel takes unconventional look at infidelity
WASHINGTON » “Does it have anything to do with us? Does it have nothing to do with us?”
In her new book, “The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity” (Harper), Belgian-born couples therapist Esther Perel takes an unconventional look at infidelity. Contrary to conventional wisdom, which holds that cheating is a symptom of problems in a relationship, Perel argues that affairs can occur in happy marriages. What’s more, Perel believes, infidelity will not always destroy a relationship but sometimes give it new life.
In a recent interview with The Associated Press, Perel talked about the roots of infidelity, ways of coping with it and the secrets to maintaining erotic desire in a long-term relationship. . ... But that doesn’t mean that they are irreconcilable. Why people stray has multiple reasons. Oftentimes affairs take place in the shadow of mortality. I know that people talk about feeling alive when they have affairs and alive is very different from sex and excitement. Alive is what you experience when you break your own rules, when you trespass out of your own constraints, when you feel free, when you feel autonomous, when you feel like maybe for the first time in a long time you are doing something that is just for you, after you’ve been there for everybody else your whole life. a relationship, jolt people out of a state of complacency, realizing how far they’ve gone from each other, realizing that they don’t want to lose what they have, that they actually value it greatly. It’s a powerful alarm system. Some affairs — it’s a new love and a person wants another life. And in some affairs people realize that they actually really cherish what they have and what they want is to come back home, but they needed to have had that experience once.
The first stage is dealing with the acute pain, of the shattering, of the shaking up of the foundation of the relationship, the trust, the intimacy, of the loss of the predictable future. You thought you knew your life, you thought you knew where it’s going and nothing is sure anymore. It has to do with remorse, it has to do with the acknowledgment of the hurt on the part of the person who caused it. It has to do with guilt — guilt for hurting, even if you don’t feel guilty for the affair itself. And then the second phase is finding meaning in this: What was this all about? What’s the insight? Why did this happen? What did you find there? Does it have anything to do with us? Does it have nothing to do with us? Things are not black and white.
Couples need to be able to revitalize themselves, to stay connected to the experiences that involve discovery, exploration, curiosity. Those create enlivening experiences. And this has nothing to do with new positions. all the time, because none of us are capable of putting it on top of the fireplace mantle which seems like a natural place for it, but what do I know.
20) “I’m sorry,” everyone to everybody all the time.
21) “I love you,” everyone to everybody all the time, but especially after the remote is located. Jeff Edelstein is a columnist for Digital First Media. He can be reached at jedelstein@21stcenturymedia. com, facebook.com/ jeffreyedelstein and @ jeffedelstein on Twitter.