Singletary

rect for this gap,” Sandberg wrote.

The mission that spawned the “lean in” mantra was well intentioned. There aren’t enough women in corporate leadership roles. And it’s often not their fault.

“Throughout my life, I was told over and over about inequalities in the workplace and how hard it would be to have a career and a family,” Sandberg said.

On choosing to lean back, she reflected, “Women rarely make one big decision to leave the workforce. Instead, they make a lot of small decisions along the way … A law associate might decide not to shoot for partner because someday she hopes to have a family. A teacher might pass on leading curriculum development for her school. A sales representative might take a smaller territory or not apply for a management role. Often without even realizing it, women stops reaching for new opportunities … By the time the baby arrives, the woman is likely to be in a drastically different place in her career than she would have been had she not leaned back.”

Sandberg added, “Only a compelling, challenging and rewarding job will begin to make that choice a fair contest.”

But what if by not leaning in — even early in your career — you’ve made a conscious decision that all the promotions and advanced pay aren’t worth what you may have to give up?

My best friend was once marveling at all that I did — writing a syndicated column, hosting my own television show and appearing regularly on public radio, as well as volunteering at my children’s school, serving as director of a financial ministry at a megachurch, going into prisons to teach inmates how to manage their money and, most important, making sure there are date nights with my husband.

“How do you do it all?” she asked. “I don’t sleep,” I said. Although I’ve been trying to get more rest, to get more done, I may get four or five hours of sleep a night.

But I’m crashing. I’m stressed all the time, worried that I may drop the ball on something.

You know that dream where you wake up in a panic that you’ve missed an important test in school? I have it all the time.

Part of my drive, particularly as it relates to my career, is making sure I have financial security not just for my husband, children and me, but also for our extended family. Wealth building isn’t just about us.

However, trying to have it all has come with a price.

What Michelle Obama, with all her success, was saying is don’t be fooled by the appearance of achievement.

Even Sandberg has admitted as much.

“No matter what any of us has — and how grateful we are for what we have — no one has it all. Nor can they.”

Also keep this in mind. Your accomplishments won’t mean anything to the spouse or children who feel your career was more important than they were. And don’t wreck your health climbing up.

Obama inspired me to say, “Enough!”

You are not a failure if you don’t have it all. Readers can write to Michelle Singletary c/o The Washington Post, 1301 K St., N.W., Washington, D.C. 20071. Her email address is michelle. singletary@washpost. com. Follow her on Twitter (@SingletaryM) or Facebook (www.facebook. com/MichelleSingletary). Comments and questions are welcome, but due to the volume of mail, personal responses may not be possible.