The heartbreaking price of money shame

The U.S. suicide rate has risen dramatically in recent years, and certified money coach Tammy Lally of Washington, D.C., is convinced money shame is a contributing factor.

Lally’s brother died by suicide in 2007 after receiving a foreclosure notice. Shortly afterward, Lally’s mortgage business collapsed in the Great Recession. She says she went from driving a Mercedes and living in an oceanfront house to filing for bankruptcy.

“It blew me away, the level of pain and sadness that I was experiencing,” Lally says. “I didn’t tell anybody. I was pretending like nothing was going on.”

She eventually realized she was experiencing shame — a deep sense that she was fundamentally flawed and unworthy because of her financial problems. When she switched careers to become a financial advisor, she began to notice how pervasive those feelings were. Some clients were ashamed of their debts, or their wealth. Others lived beyond their means or “played the big shot,” picking up the tab at restaurants or constantly rescuing others.

“I’m seeing every one of my clients having shame around their money,” she says. “We live in a culture where our money is our worth.”

We aren’t born knowing how to manage money, and everyone makes mistakes with their finances, says Lindsay BryanPodvin , a financial therapist in Ann Arbor, Michigan. Plus, there are many factors beyond our control, such as the economy, industry trends and unemployment rates.

Too often, though, people feel there’s something deeply wrong with them if they struggle with their finances. They may feel they’re stupid, immoral, lazy or “bad with money,” or ruminate on what they should have done differently.

“When we make mistakes with money or things happen to us, we tend to internalize it and make it really personal,” says BryanPodvin, author of “The Financial Anxiety Solution. ““If you’re beating yourself up, that’s a good sign that there is money shame.”

Money shame can lead us to overspend to “keep up with the Joneses,” avoid our finances or criticize others who are struggling, says certified financial planner Edward Coambs , a marriage and family therapist in Charlotte, North Carolina.