How to talk money with your parents this holiday

Holiday gatherings may present an opportunity to talk to your parents about important money issues, such as estate planning or long-term care. The need to discuss this stuff may feel particularly acute if you don’t see your folks often or these are the first holidays you’ll be together since the pandemic started.

Tread carefully, though, because these discussions can easily go wrong. Diligent preparation, the right approach and a respectful attitude can help your family tackle potentially uncomfortable subjects without ruining the holiday, advises Amy Goyer, AARP’s national family and caregiving expert.

Ideally, families would talk “early and often” about issues related to aging, she says. The more remote or theoretical the topic, the easier it can be to discuss. For example, talking about how to pay for assisted living or a home health aide may be less fraught when the need is hypothetical than when your parent has just fallen down the stairs or is in the hospital.

“Finances are hard to talk about, much less in some kind of a crisis,” Goyer says.

Most U.S. adults say there are obstacles when it comes to discussing important financial topics with family, according to a study published in October from financial services firm Edward Jones in partnership with Age Wave and Harris Poll. The top issues include: avoiding family conflicts (22%), trying to avoid burdening family members with their finances (20%) and being too uncomfortable to discuss these topics (18%).

If you want to talk to your parents about money, consider the following steps.

First, adjust your attitude

Goyer bristles when people talk about having to “parent their parents” because the phrase sounds disrespectful to her. Having a superior or condescending attitude toward your parents, or trying to tell them what they should do, will just make the conversation harder, she says.

“Even though your role changes, you are still their child, and therefore they deserve your respect,” Goyer says.

Instead, research some options in advance so you can present choices to your parents rather than issuing orders. If they don’t have long-term care insurance, for example, they might be able to sell investments or tap their home equity to pay for a nursing home stay. If they don’t have an advanced directive or other estate planning documents, you could offer to help them use estate planning software or find them an estate planning attorney. If bills aren’t being paid, you can offer to set up autopayments, take over bill paying or find a daily money manager who will do it for a fee.