Being called a ‘New Jerseyan’ is a major Montana insult
A major party candidate in the upcoming special election for Montana’s lone House seat apparently believes the Earth is less than 10,000 years old, thinks dinosaurs were alive 4,300 years ago, and feels the idea of retirement is a big sham, noting that — and I quote — “How old was Noah when he built the ark? 600. He wasn’t like, cashing Social Security checks, he wasn’t hanging out, he was working. So, I think we have an obligation to work.”
To be clear: The guy is fruitcake city.
You’d think the other major party candidate would hone in on these beliefs, maybe point out they are, at best, a too-literal take on the Book of Genesis. You’d think wrong. Fact is, far as I can tell, the other major party candidate only has one negative thing to say about his opponent: He’s labeled him a “millionaire from New Jersey.”
That’s right. One candidate — Greg Gianforte — seems to be convinced the Earth is brandnew and that human beings used to live to be 600 years old and the other — Rob Quist — has decided to attack the fact Gianforte is wealthy and once spent time in New Jersey, mostly as a student at Stevens Tech in Hoboken.
“I won’t stand by as a millionaire from New Jersey tries to attack my Montana values,” says Quist, the Democratic candidate, in a recent ad (he then shoots a television) (really). And he says “New Jersey” much the same way I might spit out “serial rapist” or “Yankees fan.” Not nicely, in other words. A few by-the-ways, here: 1) Can you imagine if this was reversed? Can you imagine a Noahwas-600-years-old former resident of Montana running for Congress in New Jersey, and his opponent goes after him for … once living in Montana? Yeah. Me neither. Say what you will about New Jerseyans, but I feel we mostly err on the side of scientific fact.
2) This race for the House seat (that’s right, Montana has only one house seat, mostly because there’s only 15 — check that 14, Doug just died — people who live in the state) is actually being watched pretty closely. Montana is a state that went heavy Trump, but Republicans are worried the Trump backlash is beginning here. Quist — who is a banjo-playing singer-songwriter (again, really) — is slightly ahead in the most recent polls. The Trump administration is so worried, Donald Trump Jr. flew out there to campaign for Gianforte. (He also went prairie dog hunting. You can’t make this stuff up.)
3) Gianforte grew up in Pennsylvania, and has been living in Montana for some 25 years. He went to college here in New Jersey, and apparently that’s good enough for Montanans to sink their teeth into. Seems like “New Jerseyans” don’t poll too well out in wherever the hell Montana is. Well (bleep) you, Montana. Go skewer an elk or something. Seriously. I feel like sending a squadron of Snookis out there.
4) Gianforte, despite donating money to fund a creationist museum in Montana (and believing gay people can be discriminated against) is a wildly successful businessman. Just thought I’d throw that out there. Economically speaking, he might be a great candidate. Of course, he thinks dinosaurs were on Noah’s Ark, so there’s that.
5) The museum his family foundation helped to bankroll greets visitors to its website with the following: “The biggest dinosaur and fossil museum in the context of biblical history!” I don’t know about you, but this seems to be confusing two very disparate fields of study. It would be like, “The biggest chemistry museum in the context of the music of Patti LuPone!”
All right. I’ve spent enough time on Montana for one day. But remember: It appears as if half of them hate us and the other half thinks Dino might actually have been Fred Flinstone’s pet.
I need a pork roll, egg and cheese. Immediately. I’d shower in it if it were possible.