How much time have I spent threatening to count to three? A lot

I was at the Trenton Thunder game the other night and outside the stadium I saw a giant man try to convince his tiny little daughter to get off the lifesize statue of Sam Plumeri Sr.

It’s a nice statue. It’s Sam, sitting down, with two little kids on either side. It’s a real eyecatcher for the under-10 set. Big spot to take pictures. Anyway, this guy’s kid wouldn’t get down. He asked, he cajoled, he demanded, he pleaded, he did everything short of screaming at the gods above.

And then he deployed it. The silver bullet. The “break in case of emergency” tool all parents use. He took a deep breath and...

“I’m counting to three,” he said. “One … two …” and just before he hit “three,” the girl jumped off and tramped on over to dad.

“Hey, you count to three also,” I quipped to the guy, because I’m a quipper. “Me too!”

“Yeah,” the guy said, clearly not entertained.

And then, like a lightning flash, I started wondering how much time, exactly, I’ve spent threatening to count to three but only counting to two in my life, how much time I’ve spent saying the words, “I’m going to count to three. One … two …”

Know this: I’ve probably spent 30 seconds of my life saying the word “three,” after saying “one, two.” Because if I get to three, that’s nuclear war time. If I get to three, things get real. Punishments get doled out. Voices get raised. Small children who are legally mine get tossed over shoulders and get carried out screaming.

I don’t get to three often. But two? I probably count to two twice a day, you average it out, and that’s conservative. My oldest is 8, so I’ve been saying “I’m going to count to three now. One … two …” for about six years … it takes me 3.75 seconds to say it (yes I just timed it). Little back of the envelope math here and …

And I’ve spent roughly fourand-a-half hours of my life saying “I’m going to count to three now. One … two …”

Four-and-a-half hours.

Imagine what I could’ve done with that time! The books I could’ve read, the beer I could’ve drunk, the naps I could’ve taken. Four-and-a-half hours! I’d pay real money to get four-and-a-half hours gifted to me. But instead, I spent it in a twisted dance with my children.

I need to turn this around. I have an idea.

From now on, I’m going to tell them I’m only counting to two. That should speed up the process. *****

BONUS: Another child timesaving tip here: My oldest asked me the other day if we could get a donut after school. A reasonable request. My answer? “We’ll see.” “Yes!” he said. “Thanks dad!” “I said, ‘we’ll see,’” I reminded him.

“Yeah, but whenever you say that or ‘maybe’ it always means ‘yes,’” he told me.

Well, crap. Kid done figured me out like I’m a one-sided Rubik’s Cube.

Now let’s see ... I probably say “maybe” or “we’ll see” five or six times a week, takes me .72 seconds to say either, and so …

Jeff Edelstein is a columnist for The Trentonian. He can be reached at jedelstein@ trentonian. com, facebook. com/jeffrey edelstein and @ jeffedelstein on Twitter.