Children need extra support after sudden death of a parent
Being caught off guard can produce unnerving moments, especially regarding death.
Such a moment occurred on Sept. 10 as a man made an introduction of Lillian Duran’s two sons, Christian,
14, and 11-year-old Kevin.
Officials, identified Duran, 43, as the woman found deceased inside a garbage bag on Lamberton St.
A family guardian made the Sunday afternoon introduction as hundreds of people enjoyed the Puerto Rican Parade and festivities.
We all made attempts to speak, fumbled for any semblance of conversation then just stood silently in Mill Hill Park.
Sixty seconds feel extremely long, awkward, when no words fill air space.
Duran’s sons returned to school on Sept. 11 despite the fact they appeared stunned, as if someone had lobbed a flash bang grenade into their family living room, inside their hearts.
Not sure about the nature of expectations but city residents seem unconcerned that these two boys have lost their mother under such dreadful circumstances.
Ella Melba Parker passed away in September 1965 and after that surprise, life never seemed the same for an 11-year-old boy who felt her death represented personal punishment.
That idea grew inside of me, that God did not love me, that our mother’s death represented punishment.
Certainly, our mother did not love me or my brothers and sisters. I mean, why would she leave us like that, abandon her children, leaving them with a tyrant father?
Young minds can create an excess of ideas about death when left to their own thinking. Without professional care adolescents and teens can distort circumstances.
Adult caregivers play a critical role in assisting children and teens through the trauma that connects with the violent death of a parent. Victim support remains crucial to how young minds cope with such sudden loss.
A childhood memory recalls my brother, Willie, never crying during the days following our mother’s death. He had always been my big brother with just 16 months separating us. How could he not cry? Didn’t he love our mother?
We grew apart, neither of us really confronting the after effects of that beautiful September morning when our worlds crumbled. Without understanding, our minds created false positives about life and death.
Years later, Willie would cry about the most “insignificant” youth experiences. Only as an adult did I learn that people grieve in myriad ways.
No doubt, personal childhood and teen behaviors were impacted by death, alcoholism, domestic violence and no social safety net that provided therapy. While this column offers reaction to the Duran family situation, let’s not forget children connected to men murdered in the City of Trenton. Frequently, our minds deal with the violence but never give thought to children who must face death and hopefully receive necessary and appropriate counseling. While funeral arrangements and death take center stage during homicide incidents, let’s remember the traumatized young victims left behind. By the way, our condolences do not require speaking. Just standing in silence, no matter how difficult, may be all that we can offer in such moments.