Murphy and Guadagno square off in first debate

All right! Debate time! The race for New Jersey Governor! Phil “The Murph” Murphy vs. Kim “The Guad” Guadagno! Those are horrible nicknames! Let the fireworks begin!

7 p.m.: Worth noting the debate is at 7 p.m., and not at 8 or 9 p.m. In short: These two are not ready for primetime. Really. This has been the most boring race for governor in my memory. Hopefully sparks fly.

7:01: Oh good! Jim Gardner is one of the moderators. Gotta love Jim Gardner. Here’s a didja-know: His real name is Jim Goldman. Yep. He’s Jewish. Changed his name when he started out, wasn’t his idea, wasn’t thrilled with it, but did it so he could land a gig. Makes me wonder if I should change my name. Maybe Jeff Poolboy or something. It’s under consideration.

7:02: First question to Murphy about property taxes and how he’ll help out the middle class. He does not answer the question. Completely dances around it. Not a good start.

7:04: Guadagno says she’ll answer the question, and eventually does by saying she’ll lower property taxes. Yay! She doesn’t explain how. Boo!

7:06: Now they’re talking about something called the “arbitration clause” and literally no one knows what they’re talking about. Literally. No one. Literally. I’m being literal here.

7:07: Murphy bashes Trump. Surprised it took this long.

7:09: Guadagno is going to say “property taxes” 13.1 gajillion times tonight.

7:12: So far this debate is as exciting as Rocky Balboa vs. Spider Rico.

7:13: Gardner trolls Murphy when Murphy refuses to answer “how” he’s going to fully fund the pension system and holy moly Guadagno just burned Christie on pensions. She’s a lone wolf!

7:15: Murphy calls Trump the most “wrong headed” president in history.

7:16: Speaking of heads, Phil Murphy looks like Phil Murphy as played by Michael Keaton.

7:20: Gardner is admonishing the audience for cheering and oooh’ing and the like. Gardner is one badass Jew, I’ll tell ya. I’m getting a Jim Gardner tattoo. Decision made.

7:22: Murphy just said New Jersey would be a “sanctuary state” if Trump follows through with DACA threats. “We will stand up to the president,” he says. Heavy stuff.

7:27: I’ve been taking a shot every time Guadagno says “property taxes.” Someone please dial 911. And for those of you who have been taking a shot every time Murphy says, “Governor Christie,” I’ll see you in the ER. Cheers!

7:30: Guadagno just made a joke about her breasts. This debate is lit. (What happened was some college kid was asking a question from the side of the stage, his microphone wasn’t working, Guadagno told him to come closer and speak into the microphone that was attached to the jacket she was wearing, a microphone perilously close to her bosom, but then cautioned him that her husband was sitting in the front row. Pretty funny, honestly.)

7:32: She just said “property taxes” again. I just passed out.

7:36: Harvey Weinstein (and his penis, which was unsaid, but assumed) just got introduced to the debate. Murphy asked what he would do with money he got from Weinstein, says he got “not one dime from this guy.”

7:41: Talking about NJ Transit now. Murphy says there’s no reason to raise fares. Guadagno says the governor must make sure the trains are on time, says she’ll “tear apart” NJ Transit and then rebuild it.

7:46: Guadagno hasn’t said “property taxes” in like 10 minutes and would someone please, for the love of all that’s holy, make sure she’s still alive.

7:47: Marijuana question. Murphy talks about social justice as it relates to weed, how more black people are jailed than white people. Says making money on it is the “last reason” he’s doing it.

7:48: Guadagno says she’s “wholly opposed” to legalization, but is in favor of decriminalizing it. That “yeah, baby” you just heard was your neighborhood drug dealer celebrating.

7:54: Murphy says he’s for the $15 an hour minimum wage, phased in over time. Guadagno says it will take away the jobs it’s supposed to protect.

7:55: Closing statement time. I’ll summarize: Bleh-bleh blah, blah blah blah.

7:57: I gotta say: This debate was much more entertaining than I thought it would be. That said, nothing of substance happened. Par for the course. Did get a breast joke, though, so there’s that.