This Thanksgiving, don’t let green bean casserole divide our nation
Fantastic sex + getting your teeth cleaned when you’re six months overdue + being 12 years old and having to kiss your 93-yearold, mothball-smelling, moustached aunt.
The above sounds (in order) obviously fantastic, not great but whatever, and fingernails-onchalkboard, wishyou-were-never-born terrible. Ladies and gentlemen, the above serves as metaphor (of sorts) to Thanksgiving’s most controversial dish, the green bean casserole. Ingredients are simple: French’s French Fried Onions (yes! yes! yes! Yes! Yes! Oh god yes!) + green beans (you know, these are pretty good, thanks for offering, glad I’m doing this) + Campbell’s Cream of Mushroom soup (ohmigod no please don’t make me do this).
To be clear, before we go any further: I have never, will never, and won’t ever stick a forkful of this abomination into my gaping maw. In fact, if ever presented with this so-called “dish,” my maw will degape. I’ll be gapeless. I cannot bear the thought of green bean casserole. I am that horrified by it.
I’m not alone, either. In an informal — heck, screw that, let’s call it a formal — poll on Facebook, the results were not shocking. It came out 43-40 in favor of what I described as “Hell in Pyrex.”
Where’s my anti-GBC’s at? “That stuff is nasty.” - Bob Hutchinson
“As my father often commented, it looks like it’s been eaten before.” Brian Leahy
“Ewwwww!” - more than a few people.
Let’s break it down: French’s French Fried Onions are fantastic. I’ll happily eat them right out of the bag (or the fun little container). They’re so good. My wife sometimes mixes them in with ground beef for hamburgers. A delight. I can’t speak highly enough of French’s French Fried Onions. They’re so good. I said that already. Mmmmm.
Green beans are something I never really yearn for, but I’m always happy I had them after it’s all said and done. A few raw ones provides a nice crunch, and sauteed with olive oil, a little garlic, I mean, come on — a lovely addition to any meal.
But when it comes to Campbell’s Cream of Mushroom soup — ooooof. I mean, whoa. Like, nuh-uh. Ingredients include: Mushrooms, vegetable oil, cream. It sounds like something Jack Bauer would use to torture a terror suspect with on “24.” The idea of it repulses me at a base level. If it was this or nothing, I choose the sweet release of death.
Then, of course, there’s the whole “casserole” aspect of the thing. Just the word “casserole” puts me off. Feels too middle-of-America for my elite coastal tastes. (By the way, know this: The green bean casserole was invented in 1955 by the folks at Campbell’s. Is there a more 1955 foodstuff in the world than “something-something casserole” as created by a canned soup manufacturer? I can practically hear the post-war boom as I type this …)
“Pure heaven! What’s not to love?” - Amy Goldstein
“Probably my favorite side dish.” - Geordie Kerr “Awesome!” - April Saunders We are clearly a nation divided. This Thanksgiving, let’s try our best to not sit in judgement when the disgusting green bean casserole hits the table. Let’s just all get along. We are Americans, no matter if some of us willingly put cream of mushroom soup in our mouths. Together we stand!