EDELSTEIN: Hanukkah could use its own Santa Claus
Jews need a Hanukkah mascot. We need our own Santa.
Now listen, there is no comparison to Santa Claus. I know that. I’m not trying to create something to compare to Santa, certainly not attempting to compete with Santa.
Santa is the New York Yankees; I just want the Toledo Mud Hens, you dig?
But as a Jew, it’s embarrassing my people haven’t cracked this nut yet. How is it possible here we are, in 2017, and there’s no legitimate Hanukkah mascot?
Good little Christian boys and girls get Santa Claus coming down their chimney as they sleep, leaving presents and then noshing on the cookies and milk left for him. How great is that?
Good little Jewish boys and girls? They get their mother on her third glass of pinot grigio reaching up to the top shelf of the closet to hand over a present while complaining about her sciatica. There’s no drama. No cookies and milk.
It’s time for Jews to get their own Santa Claus. Or a reasonable facsimile. Such as…
Moses Claus
Which I invented myself in 4th grade, Mrs. Hook’s class, and I’m not kidding. We put on a non-religious Christmas play in class — this was 1980, before the word “Christmas” became illegal in public schools — and in the interest of fair play, I wrote in a part for “Moses Claus,” who also had a long white beard but instead of circling the globe on reindeer he just parted seas. It goes without saying my idea didn’t catch on.
Hanukkah Harry
Not my idea; he already exists in the form of a pair of old “Saturday Night Live” sketches featuring Jon Lovitz as Hanukkah Harry. Instead of reindeer, he’s got a trio of donkeys: Moeshe, Herschel, and Schlomo. I’d be perfectly fine signing off on this. Honestly, I can’t believe Lovitz and “SNL” haven’t cashed in on this. I would 100 percent purchase Hanukkah Harry merch.
Hanukkah Monkey
This just popped into my head and out of my mouth a few weeks ago while hosting on NJ101.5, and the more I think about it, the more I like it. I love the idea of a cadre of trained monkeys roaming about America — well, the northeast and California, mostly — delivering presents to Jewish kids. Monkeys are cute. That’s pretty much beginning and end of that.
The Hanukkah King
As in, Larry King. He’d make a helluva Hanukkah mascot. Put him in suspenders, robes and a crown, and you’ve got a winner. Instead of cookies and milk, just put out some whitefish salad. This is money in the bank.
Meyer Lansky
The Jewish Godfather, the man who, along with Lucky Luciano, basically created the “syndicate” of American Mafia families. Basically, he was a badass and I think us Jews do ourselves a disservice by distancing ourselves from the handful of criminally-minded forefathers of ours. I mean, these were tough Jews who did what had to be done. (Fun fact: The founding members of Murder Inc. were Jewish!) Additionally, much like Christian boys and girls need to be good so Santa Claus will put them on his “nice” list, Jewish kids would need to be good so Lansky doesn’t put a hit out on them.
Barry
Just some random Jew named Barry. It’s a solid name. You ever meet a crappy Barry? Come on. No way.
Marty Funkhouser
As in, the “Curb Your Enthusiasm” character as played by Bob Einstein. This would be perfect. How great would it be to stumble into your living room at 3 a.m. and see the Funkman hanging out, putting presents under the Hanukkah bush? (There’s no such thing as a Hanukkah bush.)
The Imagined Spawn of Paul Newman and Goldie Hawn
What a fine-lookin’ Jew. And finally …
Santa Claus
I mean, why not? He’s not a religious guy, and is already out there doing the job. He can’t add a few more houses to the list? I’ll trade my mom’s potato latke recipe for the rights.
Jeff Edelstein is a columnist for The Trentonian. He can be reached at jedelstein@ trentonian.com, facebook. com/jeffreyedelstein and @jeffedelstein on Twitter.