Trump, Obama, Washington, and Fillmore walk into a room ...
Happy Presidents Day? Or is it Presidents’ Day? Whatever. Anyway, a special treat: A presidential roundtable featuring former presidents George Washington, Millard Fillmore, Barack Obama and current President Donald Trump.
TRUMP: Who the hell are you anyway? FILLMORE: Millard Fillmore, the 13th president of the United States of America. TRUMP: Mullard Foolmore? FILLMORE: Millard FillTRUMP: Who is this guy? You weren’t president. Fake news.
OBAMA: You and this “fake news” thing Donald. You have to stop. You’re destroying democracy by alleging the free press is engaged in lies.
WASHINGTON: I wish there was fake news back when I was president. I wouldn’t mind whitewashing some of my mistakes. I owned slaves you know.
TRUMP: {makes that squintyeyed, tilted-face, pursed-lip look} OBAMA: {head in hands} FILLMORE: About slavesWASHINGTON: One moment Millard. I did release them when I died. So there’s that.
OBAMA: {unimpressed slow clap}
TRUMP: I disavow. WASHINGTON: We’re not all innocents here. I keep up, you know. I follow the news on the Tweeter. And you Mr. Trump, this Stormy Daniels thing isn’t quite presidential.
TRUMP: Fake news. But if it weren’t fake news that’s exactly the kind of woman who would want to have sex with me. Big league. Believe me. Big. League. {makes big boob gesture} OBAMA: {head in hands} FILLMORE: When I was president there was a young lassWASHINGTON: {a young man enters, whispers in Washington’s ear} Pardon me. I’m being told there’s a problems with some of the slaves. I’ll be right back. {Washington exits} TRUMP: I mean slaves. Come on. That’s very, very, very not good. Believe me.
OBAMA: Finally something we agree on.
FILLMORE: If I may just … OBAMA: Stuff it, Millard. TRUMP: Yeah Mallard. Stuff it. OBAMA: So how do you like being president, Donald?
TRUMP: Fantastic. People tell me I’m the greatest president of all-time. The best.
OBAMA: I’m happy for you Donald. By the way, did you see the lovely official portrait of my wife and myself?
TRUMP: Yes, though it is interesting the failing New York Times and stupid CNN didn’t make a big deal of the fact the artist also has paintings of black people decapitating white people.
OBAMA: That is true, yes, but Kehinde Wiley, the artist, was simply trying to show, in his words, “power and who has it.”
TRUMP: If my portrait, which believe me, will be the most elegant portrait ever, if my portrait was painted by a guy who — it’s going to have a gold frame perfect, just absolutely the best — if it was painted by a white artist who showed white people slicing the heads off of black people, yeah, I’m guessing this whole conversation would be a little different.
OBAMA: Um ... well ... {Abraham Lincoln bursts in} LINCOLN: You all kind of suck. FILLMORE: I haven’t evenLINCOLN: Just shut up Millard. Talk to me in four score and seven.