4th of July is dead; long live Independence Day!
And now, another in a long line of Modest Proposals by Jeff Edelstein ...
Happy Independence Day!
Yeah, I know the calendar reads July 2, but as far as I’m concerned, today is the day. Screw you, Great Britain and your monarchy and your tea taxes and Columbus sailed the ocean blue and (I slept through most of 11th grade history) and we’re free! Put on your jorts, pop open a Budweiser, be afraid of people who don’t look like you it’s the American way! Whoopwhoop and woot-woot!
So here’s the thing: I know Independence Day — or as we ‘mericans like to call it, “the 4th of July” — isn’t until Wednesday. But having it on Wednesday is stupid. It’s the middle of the week. There is no “July 4th weekend” this year.
But I have the fix. It’s simple. All we need to do is move the holiday around as the calendar goes. Make it a movable feast, for Founding Fathers sake.
If July 4th falls on a Friday, Saturday, Sunday, or Monday, there’s no problem. It’s a three-day weekend, no matter what.
If July 4th falls on a Tuesday, we move the official holiday back to Monday, and presto, three-day weekend.
If July 4th falls on a Thursday, we move the official holiday forward to Friday, and presto, three-day weekend.
This leaves stupid Wednesday stuck in the middle, but as I said earlier, we move it back to Monday July 2, and presto, three-day weekend.
The reason I made this choice for Wednesday is because July 2 is actually Independence Day. For real. It’s the day the second Continental Congress flipped the King the bird and voted us out of from under his thumb. The Declaration of Independence, the formal document, wasn’t signed until July 4 … or maybe it wasn’t. Most historians believe it was actually signed on August 2, so, there’s that. Bottom line: Moving the 4th of July to the 2nd of July is historically accurate.
Of course, there is the issue of having the “4th of July!” on the “2nd of July!” or the “5th of July!” and to that I say shut your silly little mouths.
I mean, we don’t call it the “25th of December!” We call it Christmas.
It’s not the “fourth Thursday in November,” it’s Thanksgiving.
I could go on, but you get the point.
This needs to happen. Independence Day needs to float. We can keep it on or as close to July 4 as possible, but having it fall on a Tuesday or Thursday is terrible, and having it fall on a Wednesday - a Wednesday, for the love of John Adams! is downright un-American. It’s a punishment. To not have a three-day weekend to celebrate the single most important event in American history is letting the terrorists win.
Seriously: I’m supposed to have a party Wednesday, eat six hot dogs, drink 12 beers, and then wake up the next day and GO TO WORK? Are you even serious right now? How are we letting this happen?
And I’ll tell you this much - I’m no fan of President Donald Trump, but I bet I’d have a sympathetic ear on this one. Talk about your populist platforms — a promise of a threeday weekend. Can we Executive Order this one Donny? Just write it up, sign it, show it off, and bingo-bango-boingo, we never have to deal with a Wednesday holiday again.
This is an idea that has zero downside. Please help me get this to the attention of anyone and everyone who can make this happen.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some jorts to iron.