Jeff Edelstein: Three steps for getting rid of heroin problem

I caught (half) a ration of crap last week when I wrote about a bill floating around the New Jersey legislature that would force 12-year-olds to learn how to administer naloxone in their health classes.

I said I didn’t want to see this, that this would help normalize heroin abuse, and that 12 is way too young to be dealing with this.

In emails and social media posts, about half of you agreed.

The other half? Not so much. They thought I basically had my head in the sand, that if my kid started doing heroin wouldn’t I want his friends to know how to save him, that I’m an idiot, etc.

This divisiveness got me thinking — arguing over how to save an overdose victim is not the problem.

Heroin and opioids are the problem.

So in the spirit of unification, in an effort to bring people together, allow me to present my Three-Point Plan to Eradicate the Heroin and Opioid Epidemic. The following is not an attempt at humor to sidestep the issue. The following is a legitimate plan that would, in fact, get rid of the problem quicker than you can say, “Johnny, get the Narcan.”

Step 1: KILL THE HEROIN DEALERS

As in, literally. Way I see it, if you sell someone heroin, you’re basically giving them a death sentence anyway, so why should you just get a little jail time?

I don’t care if you’re selling a deck of the drug or if you’re a kingpin; if you get caught trafficking even the slightest amount, you’re getting the death penalty. Too harsh? Maybe. But who cares.

Would this completely stop the illegal trade of the drug? No, but you’ve got to think it would certainly help. Besides, when we get to step 3, it won’t matter. But first …

Step 2: STOP GIVING OPIOIDS TO KIDS

Oh, poor Samantha had her wisdom teeth out? Here’s a dozen oxys. No, no, no, no, no. These opioids were made to give to endstage cancer patients, not people with backaches. A cop friend of mine who has administered Narcan dozens of times said nearly every person he’s saved started with pain pills.

Um, maybe we should stop giving pain pills?

My daughter was 4 years old when she had her tonsils out. She was prescribed a weeklong course of oxycodone. We called it “Trilby juice” for reasons that don’t matter, but by the end of the week, when there was no more “Trilby juice,” she would ask for it and then get upset when she didn’t get it.

I wonder what would’ve happened if she was 14 and got her tonsils out. Would she have given up her Trilby juice just like that? Maybe not. Scary to consider.

Cindy Brady got her tonsils out and the only pain meds she took was vanilla ice cream. That’s all I’m saying.

Step 3: LEGALIZE HEROIN

Yeah, I know I said kill the dealers a minute ago, but that’s for the illegal trade. We’re going to legalize it so current addicts can go to their doctor and get the heroin they need. They’ll also get the help they need. This is not a difficult concept here: If addiction is a disease, then let’s let doctors handle the whole thing, not just the “viola, you’re cured!” part. See?

It’s a simple plan that I can’t imagine anyone would have a problem with. Help current addicts by getting them into the care of the medical establishment, prevent kids from becoming addicts by not giving them addictive meds, and kill all the heroin dealers and put their heads on a pike on the roads leading to your village.

Go ahead. I dare you. Send one angry email.