Hey all you shortniks: I’m tall. It’s not as great as you think

I need to tell you all something right here, right now.

I’m tall.

In fact, I’m a shade over 6 feet 3 inches. I’m in the 98.5th percentile of American male height. I’m no giant, but I’m about two inches away from not being able to shop at regular stores.

Why am I telling you this? Because honestly, I’m tired of people meeting me and saying, “You’re taller than I imagined.” This happens with alarming regularity, and my go-to joke when someone says this is, “Well, it makes sense as I only look this big in the paper.” I then hold my fingers apart by about an inch and everyone gets a good laugh and we go on our merry way and I have to continue living in a world that was not made for me.

Oh yes. I’m going to complain. Have we not met?

Being tall has advantages, but they are only perceived. I read all these articles about how tall people make more money, are listened to more, are just generally more successful.

I think it’s a bunch of nonsense, frankly. A lot of noise, no signal.

Fact is, the only thing I can truly say I have over all you short people is the ability to stand, on my tippy toes, in up to 6 feet of water. While all you schnooks are busy treading water, I’m just chilling out.

But that’s it. Other than that, there’s zero benefit. Plenty of drawbacks, though.

Kitchens

Chopping garlic is like being placed in a medieval torture device. Countertops are 36 inches high; I’m 75 inches high. I’m bent, I’m hunched, I’m contorted in the kitchen. I need Tylenol if I have to chop broccoli, acupuncture if I have reason to peel a potato, and spinal surgery should a rutabaga rear its ugly head.

Concerts and Movies

At first blush, all you shortniks probably think I have it made. I never have to worry about who’s in front of me; the stage or screen is my personal space. Well guess what: I am not an ogre, and all I do at concerts and movies (and anywhere someone is stuck behind me) is worry about you. That’s right. You may be tiny, but you have rights also. I loathe to be the guy that’s causing you pain. Gentle Giant, I am he.

Beds

Twin bed? Full bed? Please. I scoff. They’re literally as long as me. Feet are hanging off the bed, head is bashing against the headboard. I need a king sized bed. It’s a medical necessity. I’m legit angry insurance doesn’t cover it.

Roller Coasters

While I’m confident designers of these thrill rides know what they’re doing, I’m still constantly concerned my head is going to get lopped off. The most terrifying ride for a tall person in the entire world is Space Mountain at Disney World. Pitch black. No idea where head-lopping pieces of metal might be lurking. I spend the entire ride with my head pitched at a 87-degree angle.

Women

As a tall dude, I just wasn’t going to date people shorter than 5-feet-5-inches or so. If I have to crouch down to hold your hand as we walk through the streets of city on a romantic spring evening, well … sorry. Not happening. I crouch for no woman. I’ll bend, but I won’t crouch. Sorry.

Other tall people

I’m always weirded out when I’m standing up and talking to someone taller than me. It’s rare, and it makes me feel small and worthless. Must suck for all you shorties, huh?

Sitting on Anything

Seats on planes are a nightmare. Many cars are simply too small. Toilets are impossibly far away from my vantage point. There are issues. And lastly …

Shelves

Yes, I will get that item off the high shelf for you at Walmart ma’am, but really, do you see a blue vest on me? I didn’t think so.

Jeff Edelstein is a columnist for The Trentonian. He can be reached at jedelstein@ trentonian.com, facebook. com/jeffreyedelstein and @ jeffedelstein on Twitter.