NJ may ban plastic bags and straws; I’d rather ban mayo
So the New Jersey legislature may be pushing out the strictest anti-plastics bill in the nation, this according to a NJ101.5 report. The bill left the Senate environment committee Thursday, it’s got support from both sides of the aisle, and Gov. Phil Murphy will almost surely be behind it.
If it happens, expect carryout plastic bags to be banned, polystyrene food containers to be banned, and plastic straws to be banned except for people with special needs. Additionally, there would be a 10 cent tax placed on paper bags.
I think some of this fine, some of this is silly, and some of it is criminal. Quick breakdown …
FINE: Ban plastic bags and polystyrene food containers: We made it nearly all of human history without these items. We can manage. Paper (more on that in a minute) is fine for groceries or Target, reusables are obviously all the rage, and as for the takeout food containers and such? Cardboard will suffice. These items are legit bad for the environment because we don’t recycle them, and honestly, it’s not going to affect my life one bit, as long as the bag ban isn’t ludicrous. For instance: Can’t ban Ziplocs or the little veggie bags at the supermarket, stuff like that. But a basic ban on single-use plastic bags? Whatever.
SILLY: The straw thing. Instead of banning them, can we just make it a “can I have a straw please?” thing? In other words, they don’t come without asking. Seems reasonable.
CRIMINAL: The freaking dime for paper bags. Paper bags are fine. Cut down a tree, plant a dozen more. Problem solved.
While we’re here - and since I’ve run out of things to say about this proposed bill - here’s a halfdozen items I’d actually like seeing banned by the legislature:
WEALTHY PEOPLE RUNNING FOR GOVERNOR: How about this: If your net worth is north of $3 million, I don’t want you representing me for anything. You know who I want as politicians? People like me, not people who are nothing like me. How did it become that only the wealthy rise to prominence in politics? I’ll take a plumber over a banker any day in Trenton.
STUPID BILLS: Attention legislature: You get paid to do your job. So don’t waste it on frivolous bills. We don’t need a state muffin, in other words.
MAYONNAISE ON ITALIAN HOAGIES: This is crime against humanity, and should come with a jail term. At the very least, make it illegal for hoagie shop employees to ask if you want it on your sandwich. Seriously. Every single time I order an Italian hoagie, they ask what I want on it, and I say, “lettuce onion tomato oil vinegar salt pepper oregano” like a human member of society and then, without fail, I’ll get asked, “Mayo?” and immediately lose my appetite. Listen: I know I’ve talked about this before, but I’m not going to stop talking about it until legislative action is taken. Mayonnaise is the grossest food item known to mankind. It should be banned outright. And putting it on an Italian hoagie is a sin. I legit don’t think I could be friends with someone who does this. Certainly couldn’t marry someone who does this. It’s the worst. Just the worst. Terrible.
CHRIS CHRISTIE SITTING ON A BEACH MEMES: They were funny for a bit, but now it’s overplayed. Give it 10 years or so, then try again.
STANDARDIZED TESTING: Every single teacher and administrator I’ve ever spoken with hates standardized testing. It proves nothing, wastes classroom time, and changes the way teachers teach. Is it any wonder most, if not all, private schools don’t participate in this nonsense?
THE TAYLOR HAM/PORK ROLL DEBATE: It’s time we call a truce. While “pork roll” is correct, “Taylor ham” should also be preserved because that’s what the Taylor brand was originally called before the government told them they couldn’t call it “ham.” Let’s call Case and all other brands “pork roll,” let’s call the Taylor variety “Taylor ham” and get on with life. I know I’m asking a lot, but it’s at least worth considering. Of course, if you ever order mayo on your pork roll, egg, and cheese sandwich, you will be shot out of a cannon straight to South Dakota. Have a nice life, ya freak.
Jeff Edelstein is a columnist for The Trentonian. He can be reached at jedelstein@ trentonian.com, facebook. com/jeffreyedelstein and @ jeffedelstein on Twitter.