Gov. brines for no snow; what else is he planning for?
So what a crazy weather week we’re having, eh? I mean, it’s been chilly and partly sunny all week and … and Gov. Phil Murphy decided to brine the highways.
There I was, driving on 295 through Hamilton Wednesday, and I noticed all the lanes had been brined. I hadn’t heard about an impending snowstorm, so I immediately checked the forecast, and … yeah. No snow. No ice. No rain. No nothing. Not a whisper of it, in fact, at least according to NOAA.
What gives?
Well, we don’t know. As of this writing, the Murphy administration hasn’t told us why they decided to brine the state’s roads when there was no imminent weather threat, but, uh, gee … I wonder if it was a ham-handed response to their butchering the Great Four to Six Inches of 2018, the four to six inches that brought the state to a standstill because the Murphy administration didn’t have crews on the road until well after the snow and ice started.
Nah. Probably not. This round of brining was probably just some forward-thinking on Murphy’s part. I can see his thought process: “Not snowing now. No snow forecasted. Got destroyed for not being ready last time it snowed .... Solution! Brine today, brine tomorrow, brine forevermore!”
Almost makes you wonder what else Murphy has up his sleeve for future non-events ...
PORK ROLL SHORTAGE: Despite being a New Englander by birth, Murphy has recognized this breakfast meat as a staple here in New Jersey. He is thus worried what would happen to his poll numbers should a shortage arise. Solution? Called “Operation Swine Stockpile,” Murphy will be “nationalizing” the Taylor and Case operations. The plan is to merge the companies and have them under the auspices of the Department of Agriculture.
“The state is in the business of making sure all New Jerseyans have enough pork roll,” Murphy said. “And we all know the state is better at handling things than private business.”
THE LUPERTAZZI CRIME FAMILY OF NEW YORK ATTEMPTING TO ONCE AGAIN TAKE OVER THE DiMEO (SOPRANO) CRIME FAMILY OF NEW JERSEY: Not much has been heard from the Soprano or Lupertazzi crime families since 2007, and this has Murphy concerned. Another mob war in New Jersey’s northern suburbs is not what anyone wants, and as a result, Murphy has formed a task force aimed at making sure things stay quiet. When told by a reporter the two Mafia families are fictitious, Murphy didn’t skip a beat.
“Better safe than sorry,” he said. “You never know.”
A MAJOR HURRICANE WIPING AWAY A GOOD CHUNK OF THE JERSEY SHORE: Actually, if there isn’t a real plan for this, there damn well better be.
THE JERSEY DEVIL ATTACKING HUMANITY: The Jersey Devil might kill people. The Jersey Devil still lurks in the Pine Barrens. Ergo, kill the Pine Barrens.
“Yeah, we’re gonna burn that (expletive) outta there,” Murphy said. “Burn, baby, burn.”
AN OUT-OF-STATER TRYING TO MAKE A LEFT AT A JUGHANDLE: To combat this, Murphy is asking the state DOT to install landmines that would trigger if the left front tire of a car passes at a 40-60 degree angle over the median.
“Illegal left-hand turns cause a lot of stress on other motorists, from very angry horn-honking to the possibility of not making it through the light,” Murphy said. “Landmines, while not solving the issue, would expedite the flow of traffic.”
THE SUN TURNING INTO A RED GIANT: While Murphy admits this is still roughly 5 billion years away, he also doesn’t want to go down in history as the New Jersey governor who ignored the issue. As such, he’s created a fund to send future New Jerseyans out past the Kuiper Belt in an effort to keep New Jersey humanity alive. The fund will be paid for by increasing the gasoline tax by 600 percent.
“We are a forward-thinking bunch here on West State Street,” Murphy told reporters. “To infinity and beyond!”
Jeff Edelstein is a columnist for The Trentonian. He can be reached at jedelstein@ trentonian.com, facebook. com/jeffreyedelstein and @ jeffedelstein on Twitter.