A Jew’s guide on how to Christmas
Well, I’m about to celebrate my 20th Christmas. That’s how long I’ve been with my wife, and wow, I can’t believe she’s stuck with me this long, she must have a brain injury.
But yes: Growing up Jewish, I didn’t celebrate Christmas. But now, being that we’re one of those “mixed marriage” couples, we do a little bit of this and a little bit of that when it comes to Christmas tradition. As such, I’ve become a bit of a Christmas expert. Not on the religious side; that’s not for me to discuss. I am a pure secular Christmas celebrator, and as such, the following should be taken as … well, let’s go back to the headline: A Jew’s Guide on How To Christmas. Here we go ...
1) Christmas morning, don’t get aggravated when the kids take all of 17 seconds to rip open all their presents and then, after about 30 minutes of playing with them, ask if they could watch TV. Sure, it would be easy to look at the few hundred dollars of gifts lying unused on the living room floor and want to fly into a rage and throw the Paw Patrol set that you had to pick up at the other Target, not the close Target, through the bay window, but nah. Not worth it. Just put on the TV for the kids, go outside, smoke a stress cigarette, and count the days until Christmas vacation is over. Besides, you’re leaving the house soon anyway to drive to your wife’s aunt’s house.
2) You know those spiral ham things? Those seem to be big this time of year. Here’s a protip: Put it in the oven and let the sucker burn. Let it blacken on the outside. It takes on the taste of bacon at that point. You’ll thank me later. Happened once at my wife’s aunt’s house on Christmas. Happy accident. Speaking of my wife’s aunt’s house ...
3) Do not wear a sweater to your wife’s aunt’s house for the Christmas Day celebration. You’re going to be hot. Too many people in there. Plus, you’re almost certainly going to break out into a swine sweat from eating way too much burnt spiral ham. Just wear a regular shirt.
4) Also, don’t drink too much at your wife’s aunt’s house even though your wife’s uncle remembers you’re a bourbon guy and has one poured for you when you walk into to his home.
5) As a corollary to #3 and #4, don’t try and fall asleep in the easy chair in the small room off the kitchen at your wife’s aunt’s house because trust me, you’re going to be hearing about that on the ride home, how you’re “anti-social” and “what’s wrong with you? My god, you couldn’t just make conversation?”
6) I’m realizing these may be specific to me. I’ll try to branch out.
7) Go to church. Make your mother happy.
8) Do not use the “I was just tired because I drank too much bourbon” excuse when confronted with why you actually shut the door to the room off the kitchen when you sat down in the easy chair and tried to fall asleep at your wife’s aunt’s house. You do that, you’re going to spend the next three weeks defending your drinking habits, and trust me, that’s no fun.
9) If asked if you want to bring some of that delightful burnt ham home for leftovers, you jump at the chance. In fact, BYOT. (Bring Your Own Tupperware).
10) The basement. That’s where you should go to take your nap. It’s finished, and the kids are down there playing the Atari or whatnot and will leave you alone.
All right. There it is. Well, at least that’s how this Jew does Christmas. It’s like my own personal Groundhog Day.
And before I sign off for the day here …
A very sincere Merry Christmas to all of you out there who have stuck with me all these years at The Trentonian. I wouldn’t be here without you, and then you wouldn’t know about the spiral ham trick. So we’re even, I reckon.
Merry Christmas!