Jeff has a few questions about ‘Endgame’
I’ve got a big problem. See, “Avengers: Endgame” comes out in less than two weeks and I’m definitely going to go see it.
The problem? I’ve only seen “Black Panther” and “Captain Marvel” out of the 21 movies in the MCU, as the cool kids call it. (I think “MCU” stands for “my cute undergarments,” based on the costuming choices, though I’m not entirely sure.)
A fair question might be why I plan on seeing the conclusion to the 22-film epic when I skipped 19 of them, and the answer is simple: Because my son is 10 and is now into this stuff. He was negative-1 when “Iron Man” came out, so you can hardly fault him for not keeping up. As for me? Well, I was never a comic book guy, so superhero movies held little sway for me, and besides, I was busy raising children and stuff.
But now, here I am, ready to see how this whole thing plays out, and with little to zero knowledge about what came before. I suppose I can binge watch all the movies, but I’ve got too many jobs (3), kids (3), wives (1), and gambling addictions to squeeze it into the schedule.
As a result, I’m just going to take some best guesses at who the characters are and their motivations. If you’re a huge fan of the My Cute Undergarments stuff, feel free to drop me a line to let me know if I’m on the right track.
IRONMAN: Seeking to destroy all forms of rust.
THE INCREDIBLE HULK: Smashing things, I reckon.
THOR: If based on traditional lore, carries around a hammer everywhere he goes. Maybe he’s a carpenter? I don’t know.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Here’s a fun didja know: When Captain America debuted in 1940, he was waaaaay controversial, according to a Washington Post investigation. The first cover featured Captain America punching Hitler in the face. Why was this controversial? Because at the time, the isolationist movement in America was dominant. Public sentiment was very against the idea of getting into the war. The creators of the character, Joe Simon and Jack Kirby, received death threats. Pretty wild, eh? Anyway, I assume Captain America still hates Nazis, so that’s cool.
THANOS: I understand this is the chief villain. I also know his name reminds me of Thermos and that he is fond of snapping his fingers like a bandleader. And a-one, and a-two …
GROOT: I have no (bleeping) idea.
ANT-MAN: I know Paul Rudd plays him, and I’ve always wanted to be friends with Paul Rudd. He seems like a good guy. So I’m rooting for Ant-Man. Go Ant-Man! Bring those bread crumbs back to your queen!
DOCTOR STRANGE: Fun fact: This is what an ex-girlfriend of mine used to call me. Her safe word was “OK, that’s really weird, you’ve got to stop. Maybe you should talk to someone? Was your childhood OK?”
SPIDER-MAN: Is he not in these movies or something? Was there concern he would eat Ant-Man?
GWYNETH PALTROW: Spoiler alert: She kills Thanos with Goop Exfoliating Instant Facial.
BLACKWIDOW: Again, I feel like this puts Ant-Man in danger. Be careful, Paul Rudd!
NICK FURY: He’s in charge, or something? I don’t know. All I know is a flerken took out his eye.
BLACK PANTHER, CAPTAIN MARVEL: I know everything about them. Go ahead. Quiz me.
LOKI: Didn’t Matt Damon play him once?
ROCKET RACOON: That’s a joke, right?
SUPERMAN: Even I know he’s DC. Stop hyperventilating, nerd.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go watch season 1, episode 1 of “Game of Thrones.” I’ve heard good things.