Bland cantaloupe delivered case of melon-choly
We needed an icebreaker after a weekend argument.
“How was your melon?” she asked.
Not exactly a total relationship repair but good enough for conversation, an détente and end of our lukewarm Cold War. The melon in question happened to be a cantaloupe purchased at the Trenton Farmers Market.
Actually, we opted for the frugal two cantaloupes for three dollars deal instead of one for a dollar less. Not exactly a chicken in every pot promissory note although a cantaloupe in every household could offer sweet summer repose.
“Mine was juicy but with no real taste. Not sweet,” she said, observations that coincided with a personal reality Commiseration over cantaloupes ended our relationship stalemate.
The girlfriend had enacted her tap-tap cantaloupe inspection before the purchase, not exactly a scientific method for an accurate judgment of ripeness.
Still, her attempt produced memories as visions of supermarkets cultivated scenes of shoppers delivering their own tap procedure on honey dews, watermelons and cantaloupes. Or, there’s the lift and smell test and the shaken melon syndrome.
Buying a good melon matters or else there’s a good chance that the purchaser wielding a sharp knife flips out like Glenn Close in “Fatal Attraction”. By the way, Close never won an Academy Award despite seven nominations. She would have had better luck buying a melon.
Rules should exist for vendors selling items like watermelons, especially one that requires the seller to present one of his items for a taste test. If a farmer plucks 100 melons from a field then let a shopper have a look inside, kind of kick the tires and have access to a slice of what’s being sold. If not, then caveat emptor, the principle that the buyer alone is responsible for checking the quality of goods before a purchase, serves as the law at roadside produce stands and places such as Trenton Farmers Market, Englishtown Market and Columbus Market.
Suggestions were all over the agricultural map for buying a good melon but several rules seemed universal for picking the right one.
Pick it up. The melon should feel heavy for its size. And guess what? Yep, my girlfriend’s tap procedure works although the buyer should rap the melon with her knuckles which should bounce off the melon. We could have started an argument about whose method really worked but no point in escalation.
Find the field spot, the point on the outer rind where the watermelon rested on the ground. No spot means the melon got picked prematurely. Some people call it the “sweet spot” and if it’s a creamy dark yellow color then Stevie “Guitar” Miller it and — go on take the melon and run.
Also, according to numerous referenced sources, dark spots on a melon indicate where sugar is seeping out and proof positive that the buyer will gain satisfaction once he gets that baby home, cuts it open and tastes his purchase.
Cantaloupe buyers can alter their fate. Say you get your melon home and have this feeling that it’s not ripe. Place your cantaloupe in a brown paper bag then add a ethylene-producing fruit like an apple or banana. Close the bag for a couple of days and behold a more ripe cantaloupe.
Big finish. My son offers criticism about some of my created jokes because they are admittedly silly but great fun. Here’s one.
What did the farmer’s daughter say when her boyfriend suggested they run off and get married? Cantaloupe.
Happy hunting for that perfect melon.