We need to talk about breastfeeding and tax dollars
We need to talk about New Jersey’s Statewide Breastfeeding Strategic Plan, but first, here’s a science-fiction writing prompt: Humankind has evolved so everyone must spend a year in the body of the opposite gender. (Already there’s issues, as now there are approximately 14.3 billion genders, but you get the idea.) Imagine though: At like age 25 or so, you wake up one morning and you’re like, “Welp, I guess I’ve got some junk now,” or “Hey, check out these boobies!”
It would be jarring, that’s for sure, but really, it would probably go a long way toward helping humankind understand each other. I mean, men are from Mars, etc. We are so wildly different in so many ways, both obvious and not. But if we really and truly had to spend some time in the opposite gender’s skin, you’d have to think we’d actually be better off for it.
And if I were a woman for a year - again, male brain, woman’s body - I’d have to think the first thing I’d do is let my breasts run free. After all, we all have nipples. I have no problem, as a man, letting my nipples run free. It seems patently ridiculous women don’t enjoy the same freedom of nipples as I do. (There really is a point coming here. Stay with me.)
But really: When it comes to silliness, the “hide your lady nipples at all costs” rule we’ve deemed a societal norm is off the charts silly. In fact, many states agree, as a study by splinternews.com shows. Sixteen states have laws which makes women’s toplessness “explicitly or functionally” legal, and another 11 states have laws that are ambiguous enough to give the topless cause a good court case. New Jersey, for the record, falls into neither category. In fact, New Jersey laws lean against topless women, according to the study.
You want even more silliness? Men only won the right to bare their nipples in the late 1930s. We’ve come a long way, baby.
OK. So far, here’s where we’re at: Men can bare their nipples in public, women generally cannot. Also spoiler alert - know this: Male nipples are useless, female nipples are literally a life-giving force.
Which brings us (finally) to New Jersey’s Statewide Breastfeeding Strategic Plan, which I swear on my childhood stack of Playboys is a real thing. As if the title of this program isn’t crazy enough, here’s more craziness: The state’s Department of Health has forked over $114,000 of our tax dollars - that’s a little less than a penny per adult nipple in the state - in order to fund it.
What is it? From the press release: It will “serve as a blueprint to coordinate government efforts and mobilize diverse stakeholders and prioritize actions to improve the state’s breastfeeding rates.”
Know this: The breastfeeding rate in the state is already at 88.8%, according to a CDC study. And considering about 2 to 5 percent of women are unable to breastfeed for one reason or another, I’d say we’re pretty square on the breastfeeding front.
So is this penny per nipple going to go towards anything else? Yeah. Again, from the press release: “High-leverage systemic and environmental changes will then be proposed to improve lactation education and support in healthcare settings, workplaces and the community.”
Translation: To help stop idiots from freaking out when a mom feeds her child in public.
If men had to breastfeed kids for a day, a week, a year, or forever - and everything else, gender-wise, was the same - we’d be whipping out our boobs at will. Seriously. The baby starts whining during a meeting with the CEO, at the blackjack table, at the Tir Na Nog, doesn’t matter. We wouldn’t even try to be polite about it. There would be nipple-sightings from sea to shining sea.
So I have a better idea than the (again, I swear I’m not making this up) Statewide Breastfeeding Strategic Plan: Next time someone says something nasty to a woman who’s breastfeeding in public, tell that person to shut the eff up. Problem solved.
Jeff Edelstein is a columnist for The Trentonian. He can be reached at jedelstein@trentonian.com, facebook.com/jeffreyedelstein and @jeffedelstein on Twitter.