Autumn weekends are the bane of my existence
Autumn comes to New Jersey on Monday, and with it, tons of fun fall activities!
Like “watching geese fly south for the winter,” which is third on the list of “15 Fun Fall Activities” over at VisitNJ.org, the state’s official tourism website.
To be clear: Watching geese fly south for the winter is number three on the list of things to do in the fall on the state’s official tourism website.
Can’t you just picture it now …
BOB: We should take a vacation this fall, Bernice. Gets so chilly here in Iowa.
BERNICE: {taking casserole out of oven} How about New Jersey? I was just reading the other day that the third best thing to do in the fall is watch geese fly south for the winter in the Garden State.
BOB: {Googles “divorce lawyer” on his iPhone}
Worst part about watching geese fly south for the winter? It’s actually deserves to be that high on the list, as when it comes to “stuff to do on the weekend,” fall is easily the worst season on the calendar. Consider: Winter, it’s too cold to do anything, you don’t even need to feel guilty about staying in your pajamas all day and eating Pillsbury products. Spring, you’re just so happy it’s not winter, just being outside is activity enough. Summer, of course, rules, what-with the whole “beach, pool, rinse, repeat” thing. Seriously: One weekend I’m drinking beers at the pool, next weekend I’m supposed to “ooh” and “aah” over geese - an animal species universally loathed, I should add - that are flying over my head, and quite possibly defecating.
But yes: I’ll take a chaise lounge, put on a cable knit sweater, and stare at the damn geese for 11 hours over … say, apple picking
Without putting too fine a Seinfeldian point on it, what’s the deal with apple picking? Every fall, my wife makes like Bernice up there and is like, “Hey, let’s take the kids apple picking!” and every fall I’m like, “I’d rather French kiss a turkey!”
Seriously: I’m going to pay money to pick overpriced apples, and end up having to bring home actual, honest-to-goodness bushels of them where they will sit in my kitchen until the fruit flies come home to roost? (“Fruit flies coming home to roost on apples you picked yourself” is #8 on that VisitNJ.org list, if I recall correctly.) Yeah. No. Hard pass. I never want to go apple picking. If I want an apple, I will go to the store where I will purchase one, prepicked. This is a case where
I am thankful for the middle man.
Of course, another fun fall activity is looking at the leaves (honestly, number 5 on the VisitNJ.org list). Again, let’s think about this for a moment: We are going to spend an afternoon driving around in a car looking at the color orange and variations thereof. I mean, sure, it’s pretty and all, but this one of those “you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all” type situations. How many hours can be happily spent in a car, looking at leaves? (Answer: Approximately .001 hours.)
Let’s not even discuss pumpkin patches, m’kay?
Honestly, you know what my favorite fall activity is? Going to IKEA in Philadelphia. Don’t ask me why or how and what-for, but every autumn, we end up going to IKEA. Always need a picture frame and a table lamp, it would seem. We walk around, we consider buying a Verkelpun, we wonder if the Verkelpun will fit in the car or if we need it delivered, we’ll wish we measured out the corner of the living room where we’d put the Verkelpun, we’ll eat Swedish meatballs and discuss if we really need the Verkelpun, the kids will play in the kids area while we say, “well, maybe we should get the Karthulerp instead, and in the end we’ll buy a picture frame and a table lamp and pass on both the Verkelpun and the Karthulerp.
It’s a fun day.
Of course, the one bright spot on the calendar are the assorted fall festivals and Oktoberfests and the like, but again - I’ve got kids. These things are moderate fun after five beers, significantly less after three, and really quite unbearable at one and under while your kids are whining about how cold it is and you just stepped in a pile of goose crap.
P.S.: It’s only 245 days until Memorial Day.