Ten things I actually liked about the Pandemic Panic

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, the official Jeff Edelstein Top 10 Things I’ve Actually Enjoyed While Doing the Pandemic Panic (in no particular order).

1) Telehealth: From allergies to sore throats to most everything that doesn’t require a trip to the ER, I am never going into a doctor’s office again. Do I really need to physically see a doctor to get an allergy prescription? An antibiotic? The answer is no. Telehealth rules, and it’s here to stay.

2) Picking up from stores: I was already a devotee of ShopRite from Home, and the coronavirus just cemented it. Shop online, drive to the store, have groceries brought direct to your car. All for $5. Nobrainer.

3) Time with the children: I think if you’re writing a list like this and don’t mention that you’ve enjoyed the 24/7 time with your children, DYFS will come and send them to an orphanage. So yes. I have thoroughly enjoyed spending all this time with my children, every single second of every single day. Of course, if DYFS needs to do a test run, a training exercise, run a simulation or whatnot and y’all need to use my kids for an hour or three, as a citizen of New Jersey, I am ready and willing to serve in this capacity. I’ll pack them a snack and Capri Sun.

4) I don’t rush anymore: This one hit me like a thunderbolt a week or so ago. Basically, like nearly everyone else, I rush through whatever it is I have to do, from yard work to housework to work work. Why? Not sure, except it always seems there’s something else that needs doing, somewhere else to be. But because of the lockdown, there wasn’t anywhere to go. I think I literally said out loud, “Why the hell are you rushing?” during a weed whacking expedition, and now, I find myself luxuriating in time instead of racing against it. I hope this holds.

5) Excessive solo drinking: Oh yeah, nothing like falling into a state of terror reading about COVID-19 and then pouring yourself a drink, and then pouring yourself another, and then pouring yourself another, and then pouring yourself another and referring to it as a “nightcap,” and then pouring yourself yet one more and your wife says, “I thought the last one was the nightcap?” and you say “You don’t own me! I’m my own man. Blippppthghdh.” Oh yeah. Good times.

6) Double lunches: This has happened more than I care to admit. I eat lunch around 11, 11:30 and I get hungry again around 2, 2:30. So I eat again. There is a not-small chance I need to do some legitimate food and beverage detox. I definitely need one of those oldfashioned vibrating belt machines. (True story: They had one of those at my grandparents’ Florida condo in the early 80s, So much fun.)

7) Bike riding/walking: I haven’t been a complete unhealthy mess, as I take sometimes thrice-daily bike rides (on my women’s Schwinn) with my kids. I’ve also developed a healthy walking habit, which also doubles as a healthy “I need some space” habit.

8) League of Legends and South Korean baseball: I honest-to-goodness have zero idea what League of Legends is, outside it’s a video game. I know what South Korean baseball is. But taken together, these two things have kept me relatively sane of the last three months. See, not only do I play daily fantasy sports (DFS), but I found out - once sports was taken away - that DFS is my pipeline to sanity. Doing research, making lineups, all of it, it’s how I center myself. And so without traditional sports to gamble on - er, center myself with - I fell into League of Legends and, more recently, South Korean Baseball. They don’t have Bryce Harper, but they do have Sung Bum-Na, so I’m good to go. I’m a creature of habit, what can I say.

9) Listening to comedy: Never listened to comedy before. Never owned a comedy album, nothing. But I’ve started listening to stand-up on my walks, discovered the stand-up channels on Sirius, and now, I listen to comedy. Why I haven’t been doing this my whole life I have no idea. I sought it out now to get my mind off the hellscape that has been the world, and I got news for you: The cliche is true. Laughter is the best medicine.

10) Increased my reading: I used to read all the time, but kids and daily fantasy sports got in the way. But now with more time on my hands, I’ve actually finished a few books over the last few months. It feels miraculous. I do admit some of my reading occurs during #5 above, which means I have zero idea what happened in Chapters 3, 4, 6, 12, and the last 43 pages of John LeCarre’s “An Honourable Schoolboy.” I’ll re-read in a few years, no worries.

Jeff Edelstein is a columnist for The Trentonian. He can be reached at jedelstein@ trentonian.com, facebook. com/jeffreyedelstein and @ jeffedelstein on Twitter.