I am (not) going to the Jersey Shore this summer

Life’s a beach during Summer of CoVid-19

I am not going to the Jersey Shore this summer.

(I am 100 percent going to the Jersey Shore this summer.)

Don’t get me wrong I love the shore, but even in non-coronavirus times, it’s not easy. Basically, it’s hard to go to the beach with kids, especially if you don’t have somewhere to stay. It’s going to be infinitely more difficult this summer, with masks and bathrooms and social distancing and all of it. Honestly, it just doesn’t feel worth the hassle.

(One night I’m going to toss a beach chair, SPF 50, an Elmore Leonard paperback, and a chilled pre-mixed rum and Coke along with a turkey sub in my car. That morning, I’m going to tell my wife I have to do somethingsomething for work. Then I’m going to drive straight to Belmar.)

Listen - it’s not like I don’t want to go to the beach. But again, with the kids, it’s tough. For us through the years, the “beach” meant maybe an hour of making it on the sand before someone is complaining, and then spending way too much cash on the boardwalk. For me, a crowded boardwalk is not where I want to be, and so … again, I just don’t see the shore happening this summer.

(I will find the quietest section of the beach and get there at 7 a.m. As people start coming within 50 feet of me, I will violently cough. I will be nowhere near the boardwalk, I’ll probably use the 352 quintillion gallons of water directly in front of me as my - ahem - necessary, and then when the drink is drank and the turkey is eaten and the book is done, I will drive back home.)

Of course, if someone wants to throw me their beach house for the week, I’m all in.

(Of course, if someone wants to throw me their beach house for the week, I’m all in. I’ll just tell my family I have a business trip or something. Can probably get through a half-dozen Elmore novels with that kind of time.)

Jeff Edelstein is a columnist for The Trentonian. He can be reached at jedelstein@ trentonian.com, facebook. com/jeffreyedelstein and @jeffedelstein on Twitter.

Of course, CoVid-19 will impact beach visits as sixfeet distancing could pose problems in Asbury Park, Ocean City, Cape May and other Garden State getaways.

As if beach visits were not already difficult places where space and distance mattered, Coronavirus concerns will cause headaches, heartaches, and worse backbiting than beach flies. Motherf@#%£r!

Still, yes, intend to make that 45-minute ride to points east. Find it amazing that many Trenton residents never find a shoreline with such a straightshot journey on 195.

Made an initial beach trip last week, more reconnaissance mission than enjoyment although an earlymorning arrival preceded throwing down a blanket and lounge chair.

That’s a key part of this summer’s ritual — get there early. Not many people will take me up on a sunrise visit, especially if they have children. Single? Married without children? Go for the sunrise, breakfast, four hours on the beach and you can be home by noon. Still time for shower, nap, gardening, nine holes of golf and an evening BBQ!

Here’s a major tip — find yourself a monster blanket. I’m talking size of Costa Rica. Bigger the better as claiming enough space within reason will keep Co-Vid-19 carriers away.

Expand your space with an umbrella and enjoy your grand sandcastle.

Feeling conspicuous. Make a fake phone call and speak loudly enough for people to hear, “Hey, where are you. We’ve got this great space waiting for you!”

Best bet for beach travel? Make a trip during the week when most people are home. Try the early afternoon then get a boardwalk shower and stay for dinner.

The beach during CoVid-19 will present challenges, do, be patient as we all adjust to this strange world we’re living in.

Stay calm and cool. Don’t be caught singing Springsteen’s, (For me this boardwalk life’s through babe, you oughta quit this scene, too.)

Have an adventurous summer.

L.A. Parker is a Trentonian columnist. Find him on Twitter @ LAParker6 or email him at LAParker@Trentonian. com.