The ultimate ranking of all the New Jersey counties
And now, because you’ve been clamoring for it - seriously, I have a pile of letters demanding I tackle this highly subjective subject - I give to you the first-ever Ranking of New Jersey Counties. Buckle up, bucko.
21) Hudson: Been a hotbed of crooks since day one. Also includes Hoboken, which leads America in most backward baseball caps per capita.
20) Passaic: Fond childhood memories, as my grandparents lived there. I also never want to go back.
19) Cumberland: Possibly a myth. Not sure if anyone actually has spent more than 15 minutes there. If it does exist, it’s basically Delaware East.
18) Salem: Definitely a myth, only 22 people live there, mostly ex-circus freak show performers from the 1920s. Also might stealthily be part of Delaware. Additionally: Name one town in Salem without looking it up. I double-dog dare you
17) Union: No one actually really wants to be there, right? It’s also dangerously close to Staten Island.
16) Bergen: Has blue laws basically, everything is closed on Sundays. Weird, right? Has the state’s biggest population, and everyone who lives there thinks they are a sub-borough of Manhattan.
15) Gloucester: Can’t spell it without assistance.
14) Atlantic: Home to Atlantic City, enabled Donald Trump.
13) Camden: Haddonfield is awfully nice. Includes Camden.
12) Essex: Also thinks it’s a sub-borough of Manhattan; childhood home of Jessica C., who I had a major crush on that was not reciprocated, thus knocking it down a few pegs.
11) Middlesex: Too crowded, entirely too close to Staten Island, like really, take a step back, okay?
10) Morris: Soft spot for me as I grew up there, plus Morristown is nice, but overall? A big fat whatever. Bland.
9) Somerset: Meh. Has Hillsborough, which may be the most aggressively suburban suburb in the state.
8) Sussex: Voted for Trump at a higher rate than the state of Alabama, which is really saying something. But it had Action Park, so can’t be all bad.
7) Burlington: Fort Dix, Russ Ayres, and it’s big.
6) Cape May: Has the Cape May Zoo, Cape May Point, charm out the wazoo, and is the southernmost county in the census designated northeast. Put one foot in the ocean, you’re in the mid-Atlantic, baby.
5) Hunterdon: Just a beautiful part of the state, though the further north you go, the more you start getting into that Pennsyltucky mentality.
4) Monmouth: Good place. Great beaches, Freehold Mall is a quality mall. Home of The Boss.
3) Warren: Truly beautiful, underrated area of the state, but definitely, no question, no doubt, it’s Pennsyltucky.
2) Ocean: It has Seaside and Point Pleasant, so already we’re in prime Jersey territory. Fun fact: Only voted Democrat in the presidential election three times since 1900.
1) Mercer: Come on. Home of pork roll and tomato pie. Case closed. No pun intended.