A coronavirus Christmas story in six letters
Dear Santa,
What a time, eh? I mean this whole coronavirus thing has got everyone a little on edge. And while it’s been a tough year, allow me to speak for all of humanity: We need a little Christmas this year. So please, please, please, do whatever you possibly can to bring some much-needed joy into the world.
Love,
Jeff Edelstein
Dear Santa,
Well! That was quite a surprise seeing you come down my chimney this morning! It’s only a few weeks before Christmas, but the fact you took time out of your busy schedule to reply to my previous letter - in person! - was one of the greatest moments of my life. I am honored beyond belief. And the things you said to me while you were here: Truly inspiring. I cannot thank you enough. One note, however: While I appreciate the visit, I have to ask that when you come back Christmas Eve, if you could just wear a mask, that would be great.
Sincerely,
Jeff
Dear Santa,
Wow! I certainly didn’t expect a reply to my last letter! Talk about going above and beyond! And yes, while I appreciate the fact there have been zero coronavirus cases at the North Pole, I don’t necessarily agree with your claim that elves cannot catch COVID-19. Additionally - and I’m not saying it’s your fault - but about 48 hours after your visit last week, I developed some mild symptoms. Just a cold, I’m sure, no way it’s related to your visit, but you know what they say - better safe than sorry! Respectfully, Jeff Edelstein
Dear Santa,
Man, I hate to be “that guy,” but the study you sent me (“COVID-19 and the Elvish and Fairy Populations, a Comparative Study”) was written by a since-discredited Elvish researcher, the same elf who wrote, “Syrup: Healthy in Immoderate Amounts.” Additionally, I found his statements concerning fairies to be both inflammatory and almost certainly untrue (“Fairies slurck elf gwib,” mentioned numerous times). Anywho, no harm, no foul, re: my bout with the sniffles, as I’m feeling up to snuff! Man, I hope that was the coronavirus! Wasn’t bad at all. Also: I’m going to pack your cookies and milk to go so you don’t have to de-mask in my living room when you swing by Christmas Eve.
Thanks,
Jeff
Dear Santa,
Really, you don’t need to write back every time! But yes, thank you for noting my children have been good this year and will receive their full allotment of presents. I didn’t, however, necessarily appreciate your words in regards to my presents. I’ll quote directly here: “Listen, you sheep: This is nothing more than a flu. Stop being such a pansy ass, you pansy ass. Expect nothing from me, outside of a lump of coal, and there’s a not-small chance the coal will be delivered through your window.” Sincerely,
Law Offices of Smith, Johnson, and Johnson on behalf of Jeffrey
D. Edelstein
Dear Santa,
Caught a peek of you on Christmas Eve! Had the cameras set up. I want to thank you for wearing a mask, and I do wish Donner, Blitzen, and Cupid a rapid recovery. Who knew reindeer could get infected with coronavirus? What a world.
Love ya Santa! Jeff